.................................Monday, 6/26/06

I am at work. I am busy, feeling efficient, and yet in the pit of my stomach is this sad sad soulfully sad feeling. This sadness that won't go away.

My husband doesn't love me anymore.

Oh he says he loves me. But he doesn't LOVE me. He doesn't want to kiss me. He will not touch me or hold my hand or even brush up against me. We are like neutral parties. Ships passing in the night.

Who am I kidding? This is a long time in coming. But now that it is all out in the open and he has decided once and for all that he will not be my husband, all that hope that I held onto deep down, it is releasing itself like a long slithery coiled snake...

It wasn't a snake before. It was something positive and holy and hopeful... and now it is uncoiling and turning into something else... Something scary and sad and I don't want it here anymore...

On my I-Tunes I have a Bob Dylan song, I don't know the name of it, but these lines just played:

"...When did our love go bad? Whatever happened to the best friend that I had? Been so long since I held you tight, been so long since we said good night..."

YOU KNOW???????????

I have to let go. Have to let him go. Have to stop feeling sad. Have to STOP.

He made this choice. I did everything I could. I really did.

He would not agree with that statement. In his mind, I would not change for him. He wanted me to change who I am in a way which would have meant not being ME. He wanted me to SHUT UP (in other words, have no opinions, do as he said). He wanted me to be 'nicer' whatever that means... He wanted me to be more stylish (how shallow can a guy be---in the grand scheme of things, makeup and heels make a difference?)

I AM A GOOD WOMAN.
I GAVE HIM THE BEST THIRTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
I WAS HIS BIGGEST SUPPORT.
I SUPPORTED HIM FINANCIALLY A LOT OF THAT TIME TOO.
I WAS THERE FOR HIM LISTENING TO HIS DREAMS AND SCHEMES.
I STOOD BEHIND HIM WHEN HE TRIED TO REACH THEM.
I PUT MYSELF SECOND, IF I PUT MYSELF AT ALL ON THE TOTEM POLE.
I GAVE HIM HIS BEAUTIFUL SON.
I GAVE HIM MY FAMILY.
I GAVE HIM MY HEART.
I GAVE HIM MY SOUL.
I GAVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

And he rejected it. Rejects it everyday.

I have to let him go. He doesn't deserve me.

................................Saturday, 6/24/06

My husband bought a motorcycle today.

And you may be thinking... "AND?"

Like, "OK, so what?"

The reason I am even writing this post is because I need to get it off my chest, "it" being the feelings that are haunting me at the moment.

See, my husband left me a year ago. Well, a year and a month ago. I have been paying the mortgage and the utilities and the child care and the miscellaneous bills surrounding the upkeep of this house (exterminator, furnace guy, etc)... all that time. I worked full time all that time.

What was my husband doing? He was doing the occasional job in his field and the rest of the time he was 'doing' real estate. For those of you familiar with the real estate field, you know that this doesn't necessarily mean he was a. bringing in any money or b. working 40 hours a week.

So... for the majority of the time he's been away, he's been doing real estate and not bringing in a heck of a lot of dough. He's been giving me money every month consistently, but he has COMPLAINED about it the whole time. I didn't ask for a certain amount, he started giving me a certain amount, then at one point, he wrangled me somehow to agree to take $100 less...

So I do that. And he still complains. Complains that what he's giving me is 'WAY MORE' than he'd have to if a lawyer told us what he should give me, complains that he doesn't make enough to give me as much as he does, complains that I make more than him (I work more than him, but that's beside the point I guess)... He even goes so far as to call his money to me each month "subsidizing" me... and it's a share of the mortgage and all this crap, when truthfully what he gives me doesn't even cover HALF what I pay for child care, and from what I recall a lawyer told me early on in a free consultation I went to, he'd be responsible for child support AND half of the child care. SO...

Anyway, sometimes I feel sorry for him because he doesn't make much. But then I have to remind myself that he barely did anything from May 05 to April 06. It was in April 06 that he FINALLY took a full time job in his trade. So finally he is bringing in a solid paycheck. Is it as much as mine? Well, no, no it's not. But so???

If it's any consolation, I have more and bigger bills to pay. AND I have the child. AND I have the dog...

Anyway. He was complaining that in addition to the 'too high' child support he was paying, he complained about his $200 car payment and how I don't have a car payment. He has a car payment because during his time away, he decided to trade in his PAID IN FULL Saab for an INFINITI for which not only did he have to take $4500 out of savings as a down payment, he had to sign on for said loan... HIS CHOICE.

So he was mulling over the idea of selling the Infiniti. To save $200 a month.

I thought this was him finally seeing the light. THEN he decided he wouldn't sell it, but would trade it in, hopefully for something for which he wouldn't have to get another loan.

He did find something. He had to pay out $1000, but the loan is gone. Wonderful right? An extra $200 in his pocket every month..

He was going to pick up the car today and he says to me, I saw a motorcycle I like too, I'm thinking of getting it.

AND HE DID.

And get this. The motorcycle was over 6 grand. SIX GRAND. So I said how the heck are you paying for this? And he said he took out a loan.

A LOAN.

He has to take some money out of savings but then he'll only "Only" have a $100 payment. For the next four years.

He sat there and rationalized how he didn't want to sell the Infiniti but he had to and he was going to miss it, so this motorcycle makes him feel good. And it's only $100 a month. And if he was going to rent a motorcycle now and then like he originally planned, it would be so expensive.

I'm amazed. I sit here and I can't believe it. I mean, he can do what he wants. OBVIOUSLY.

But it is making me sad. I am counting pennies. There are things I'd love to do like buy a new mattress or a bench for the yard. I am trying to keep my credit cards down, paid in full. I want to try to save. I have ALL THESE GOD DAMN bills and this horrendous mortgage and the money I put out that's related to my son...

And he gets a new (used) car AND a motorcyle today. And lives to tell the tale.

There's something wrong with this picture.

........................Thursday, June 22, 2006...................

I have not posted in a long while. I guess I'm just too drained. Either that or it's because I just don't want to sit still and THINK about my life any more than I have to.

Oddly, things have been peaceful of late. I am not flying off the handle, I've been calm with the little guy, and there have been no heated arguments or discussions with DH...

He comes. And goes. He takes the little guy out for a few hours. We are like ships in the night. I reach out and he rarely responds. We did go out to eat twice (with the little guy) but anything else, no. I've invited him for dinner. I've suggested going to things (a fair, etc) with the little guy. No. He said "I thought we were supposed to be getting used to being apart".

Getting used to. After a year living apart?

He is receding. I can feel it. Like the tide pulling out. He is taking himself beyond reach from me. WHY????????????????????????????????????????????????????

He said in therapy last night (we are still going but I doubt for very much longer---she did even ask us what our intentions were, if we were to continue coming, why did we want to?) again something about it not being about me. That it was HIM. All those rabid months last summer when he berated me and blamed me and told me it was all my fault... Now he is saying it was not. That it isn't. That it is HIM.

So I said to the therapist, okay then if that is the truth, how come we have to break up? Things happen in the course of a marriage, how come we can't just ride this wave for a while? And she said that some marriages can handle that, but that sometimes people who need to do whatever it is they need to do, need to do it outside of the marriage, that no support from a loving partner is enough, they need to go.

Oh.

Apparently the case here. He wants a new life. He feels guilty. He is in pain over it. He knows there are at least 20 people who thinks he's an ass for wanting out. But still the need, the desire, the quest to have this new life is strong enough to go against all that. To be away from his son. To HURT ME the way he has/is...

Maybe I should be in awe of his steadfastness. I know I couldn't do it.

On a side note, my parents are ALSO getting divorced.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT??????

I'm not supposed to know this, that they have come to this decision definitively. But I am enmeshed enough in the turmoil that my mother told me but said she wasn't supposed to because she and he are supposed to tell the three of us together.

BOY THAT WILL BE FUN.

Supposedly some time next month.

I think maybe I should start taking my Lexapro again. Just to be proactive...

.....................................Friday 6/2/06

JUNE!!! It is June!!!

We have been away this week. In ORLANDO, FLORIDA. And we had fun...

It was a business trip (for me). But every day we were there, we were able to head out to one of the Disney parks and spend a few hours walking around. BOY, did we walk.

My little guy, who is 3, seemed to really enjoy himself. People keep telling me he won't remember this trip, which is kind of sad and I'm not believing it, even though it might be true.

You should have seen his face when we were headed on the ferryboat across the lagoon to the Magic Kingdom... It was sheer joy! So adorable!

Disneyworld is kind of surreal. Far too many people----sweaty people, cranky children, high-priced beverages, too many things to B-U-Y... But we were good. We hardly bought anything at all. I did get him a t-shirt. A magnet. And I saved the Mickey Mouse soap and little shampoo bottle from the hotel :-)

There are three pics of me and the little guy with Mickey Mouse available on line to view with this thing called PhotPass... You know how you see those photos sometimes of people and they're wearing a light colored bra under a dark colored shirt, and it shows in the pics? Well, in my case it was beige under burgundy. DUH.

WHO KNEW?

Jesus. Now who wants to share THOSE pics????

I wonder if my sister can Photoshop the obvious bra-lines... SCARY.

Tonight during our night prayers, we thanked God for our two safe airplane trips. I am so afraid to fly, but not so afraid that I don't do it. It is the take-off that totally freaks me out... to tears, actually...

We flew JetBlue which is the way to go if you have kids with you. The little TV's (one per person) are THE BOMB. I think my little guy thinks he's sitting on the couch watching his shows, when in fact he is sitting in a chair at 39000 feet watching his shows!!

I had my VERY FIRST comment posted to this blog while I was away! HOW COOL IS THAT???

And while I was away, there was a post on the SuperHero blog that Andrea is 3 months pregnant!!! I am so excited for her!!! I had emailed her directly when she had written about her infertility journey and we had gone back and forth a few times talking about that whole thing----so it is so wonderfully gratifying to hear that she is in fact pregnant.