Never The Same Day Twice

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter Sunday 2006

I haven't posted in a while. Too busy working, taking care of the boy, and all the other things that make up my life... plus reading OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS... Boy I do love doing that! There are so many creative, articulate, inspiring people out there. It's amazing and very fulfilling, in a weird sort of way, to read the posts... But I do need to start making time to write my own. Just to keep some sort of record of this crazy life of mine.

Tonight marks the end of the Triduum 2006. OH! It was lovely, so lovely! I was intent on taking part in all the services at my parish, and I managed to do so---Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and last night, the Holy Saturday vigil. In all: SIX amazing hours of song and scripture and community and prayer...

I am truly blessed in having found this parish. I love it! I LOVE IT!!!

That is what I said to sweet little Mary as we stood in the aisle after the 2.5 hour vigil service, facing the back of the church like everyone else, looking up at the choir as they sang Handel's Messiah as their 'Easter surprise gift' to us... As their beautiful soaring voices and the organ reached the crescendo, I just felt my heart swell with love and happiness. And as they ended and we all burst into applause for about the 12th time that night, I leaned over to Mary and whispered into her ear "I love this church!!!"

During the homily last night, Father Tom said "I want to share something with you. Listen to this---this is a person in love" And over the speakers comes this strangely familiar song---a cover of what turned out to be an old 50's love song... As soon as the singer got to the 2nd line, I recognized what song it was, and I started to cry...As usual!!! Father Tom can always manage to make me cry during his homilies...

Anyhoo, I will have to find out what song it was and get the lyrics. Needless to say, he was playing that song for us to hear these words as if coming from God... who loves us unconditionally...

I can continue to gush but suffice it to say, the Triduum was a perfect moment in time for me. And it surely redeemed all those years I missed it, after the Villa stopped hosting the Triduum weekend... I had missed the ritual, the incense, the Tantum Ergo, the veneration of the cross, the Exultet, the Easter lilies in profusion... And I got it all back.

Thank you Lord!

Drove home (as I did all three days) in bliss... and pulling into our driveway, I caught a glimpse of silver white in the trees, 1/2 way up... I thought, wait a minute, is that... can it be? And I pulled back out and drove up the dark road trying to catch a glimpse, laughing at myself thinking how foolish I will feel if what I think I saw was only a light from someone's house... But no, it was the MOON. Full and bright, low on the horizon at so late an hour (almost 10:30 p.m.)... So I drove up Honeysuckle, which is a hill---a deer crossed my path! I got to the top of the cul-de-sac and turned around and as I slowly made my way back down the hill, there it was----serene and glorious! Like a love letter to me from God...

On the homefront: well. Today hosted my parents and one of my sisters and her husband for a simple dinner. I made leg of lamb (very easy---seasoned, garlic slivers, roast for 2 hours in a big pan)... because my Dad had been complaining that no one ever makes him leg of lamb---and it was on sale this week for 1.99 a lb.), baked potatoes, string beans and macaroni with gravy. I had bought sausage bread from the bakery and I heated that up. That was good. DH came early with an Easter basket for the little man. I had made him one too. Inside was a note from the Easter Bunny telling him that because he was such a very good boy this year, he was going to get TWO easter baskets, one now and one later.

The note also explained that the Easter Bunny had heard that the little boy wanted to start using the potty, so "Go look over at your blue chair" where you will find some things for that. On the blue chair I had put a package of new pull-ups, 2 pks of little boy's underwear (SO CUTE!) , a pump container of "Kando" foaming soap with the little frog on it, and a tupperware container with 2 bags of jelly beans in it. The little man knew EXACTLY what the jellybeans were for because I had been prepping him for weeks that the Easter Bunny was going to leave him some so that he could have one every time he used the potty.

He was so excited, he let me take his PJs off (a feat!), put a pull up on him, and then one of the new pairs of underwear, and then we ran to the bathroom to try out the potty and have a jelly bean.

It was quite exciting---while it lasted. We went to the potty at least 4 times before DH came over. Once he did, the little man was too busy and so I put a diaper on him at that point. This was only day 1. We have the whole summer...!

I put a basket of plastic eggs on the porch so that when DH came, he would hide them outside. Which he did. So we went out there and had an egg hunt. The eggs were empty because I just got too busy to fill them, but the little man didn't mind one bit. He just ran around like a lunatic picking them all up, all excited.

Being three years old rocks!

DH was planning to go to his brother's for Easter. He said they had asked if he would bring the little man. I had commented, I guess they didn't invite me and he said, no they did. But I didn't invite you. Emphasis on "I"... I didn't say anything. What could I say? I could have argued or cried or commented, but I just said nothing. It did make me sad more than mad though. Why would he say that? And feel that way?

In any event, he said this to me BEFORE he decided to come to my family's Palm Sunday dinner. So it was really weird to me that he stuck to the 'not inviting' me thingy.. but I guess in the end, his coming to Palm Sunday was an experiment... He wanted to see how he felt around my family. But he had no interest in trying me out at his---I guess because he already got that vibe from when I was with them at the hospital last month...

Who knows. We did end up arguing about it yesterday. He said he didn't invite me because he knew I didn't want to go. I said that was a rationalization. He said well you didn't say anything when I told you that---you didn't say you wanted to be invited.

See? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I keep my mouth shut, and it's MY fault I'm not invited. I open my mouth, and I'm told to keep it shut.

Apparently he told one of his sisters I wasn't coming and to tell the rest... I don't know WHY that family insists on communicating in that way. It never goes over well... Anyway, so then his brother calls the house this morning and asks me if I'm coming. Which I found highly awkward. Because of course I had to say no but I had no excuse why. It was NOT because my parents were coming over. The only reason they were was BECAUSE I wasn't invited to my in-laws. So DH got mad that he called and said maybe he wouldn't even go, he can't stand how they meddle.

But I guess he did go and it went okay. I called him to ask around 8. Don't ask me why. I should just really leave him alone but I can't help it. I feel bad for him. No matter how mean and cruel he is to me, I love him and I can see where alot of what he does and says comes out of his insecurity and confusion.

He is soooo tormented. I saw that when he was angry about his brother's call. He didn't want to go there, he didn't want to be here. He was like a man without a country. I shouldn't have felt bad maybe but I did. And when he was leaving I said I wish you would stay. And he just gave me a tormented look and left.

Compare and contrast to YESTERDAY when he was here and nice enough to finally put the porch door up AND my closet door.... but spent the rest of the time basically mocking me and trying to get a rise out of me with his comments about my "easter party" and doing stuff up for my family but not for him---which was so untrue and unwarranted, but is the kind of things he would think and say. It was yesterday that he said something about us being 'through' and I said so why are you here then? And he said "Well I don't hate you. I just don't like you".

I don't hate you. I just don't like you.


Who would ever expect their husband of nearly 8 years, their best friend and lover of nearly 13, tell them I don't like you...

But this man, he has said this to me at least, oh I don't know, maybe 28 times since last year...

I don't like you.
You're not what I want.
You won't change for me.

It's unnerving. You break your heart trying to find who you are in life, trying to be true to yourself, be your own person, that person with both gifts and flaws, and then someone in whom you put all your love and trust FOR YEARS tells you they don't like who you are...

...and it's funny. You know, you're not a drug addict or an alcoholic or a nympho... You're not a slob or obese, you are fairly well-groomed, articulate, responsible. You can be funny on occasion, can be creative on occasion. So you're a little too anxious and controlling. And you have a temper when provoked. You also cry at sad movies, like little kids, enjoy ice cream in the summertime. And the bonus: you love this man enough to take him foibles and all, to want him BACK... IF ONLY he could love you again.

That's the clincher. I couldn't take him back for the little man's sake, or for financial security (what security?) or so I woudn't be alone... that would be settling. Because HE DOESN'T WANT ME. And that does not a marriage make.

But if he did want me---if he did love me enough... I would continue waiting for him, like I have been.

I keep waiting for the lightning strike that will spin him around and make him realize... but I'm beginning to think that will never come. He is meant to leave me. He wants to...

Who would have thought?