.................................Monday, 6/26/06
I am at work. I am busy, feeling efficient, and yet in the pit of my stomach is this sad sad soulfully sad feeling. This sadness that won't go away.
My husband doesn't love me anymore.
Oh he says he loves me. But he doesn't LOVE me. He doesn't want to kiss me. He will not touch me or hold my hand or even brush up against me. We are like neutral parties. Ships passing in the night.
Who am I kidding? This is a long time in coming. But now that it is all out in the open and he has decided once and for all that he will not be my husband, all that hope that I held onto deep down, it is releasing itself like a long slithery coiled snake...
It wasn't a snake before. It was something positive and holy and hopeful... and now it is uncoiling and turning into something else... Something scary and sad and I don't want it here anymore...
On my I-Tunes I have a Bob Dylan song, I don't know the name of it, but these lines just played:
"...When did our love go bad? Whatever happened to the best friend that I had? Been so long since I held you tight, been so long since we said good night..."
YOU KNOW???????????
I have to let go. Have to let him go. Have to stop feeling sad. Have to STOP.
He made this choice. I did everything I could. I really did.
He would not agree with that statement. In his mind, I would not change for him. He wanted me to change who I am in a way which would have meant not being ME. He wanted me to SHUT UP (in other words, have no opinions, do as he said). He wanted me to be 'nicer' whatever that means... He wanted me to be more stylish (how shallow can a guy be---in the grand scheme of things, makeup and heels make a difference?)
I AM A GOOD WOMAN.
I GAVE HIM THE BEST THIRTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
I WAS HIS BIGGEST SUPPORT.
I SUPPORTED HIM FINANCIALLY A LOT OF THAT TIME TOO.
I WAS THERE FOR HIM LISTENING TO HIS DREAMS AND SCHEMES.
I STOOD BEHIND HIM WHEN HE TRIED TO REACH THEM.
I PUT MYSELF SECOND, IF I PUT MYSELF AT ALL ON THE TOTEM POLE.
I GAVE HIM HIS BEAUTIFUL SON.
I GAVE HIM MY FAMILY.
I GAVE HIM MY HEART.
I GAVE HIM MY SOUL.
I GAVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.
And he rejected it. Rejects it everyday.
I have to let him go. He doesn't deserve me.
I am at work. I am busy, feeling efficient, and yet in the pit of my stomach is this sad sad soulfully sad feeling. This sadness that won't go away.
My husband doesn't love me anymore.
Oh he says he loves me. But he doesn't LOVE me. He doesn't want to kiss me. He will not touch me or hold my hand or even brush up against me. We are like neutral parties. Ships passing in the night.
Who am I kidding? This is a long time in coming. But now that it is all out in the open and he has decided once and for all that he will not be my husband, all that hope that I held onto deep down, it is releasing itself like a long slithery coiled snake...
It wasn't a snake before. It was something positive and holy and hopeful... and now it is uncoiling and turning into something else... Something scary and sad and I don't want it here anymore...
On my I-Tunes I have a Bob Dylan song, I don't know the name of it, but these lines just played:
"...When did our love go bad? Whatever happened to the best friend that I had? Been so long since I held you tight, been so long since we said good night..."
YOU KNOW???????????
I have to let go. Have to let him go. Have to stop feeling sad. Have to STOP.
He made this choice. I did everything I could. I really did.
He would not agree with that statement. In his mind, I would not change for him. He wanted me to change who I am in a way which would have meant not being ME. He wanted me to SHUT UP (in other words, have no opinions, do as he said). He wanted me to be 'nicer' whatever that means... He wanted me to be more stylish (how shallow can a guy be---in the grand scheme of things, makeup and heels make a difference?)
I AM A GOOD WOMAN.
I GAVE HIM THE BEST THIRTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
I WAS HIS BIGGEST SUPPORT.
I SUPPORTED HIM FINANCIALLY A LOT OF THAT TIME TOO.
I WAS THERE FOR HIM LISTENING TO HIS DREAMS AND SCHEMES.
I STOOD BEHIND HIM WHEN HE TRIED TO REACH THEM.
I PUT MYSELF SECOND, IF I PUT MYSELF AT ALL ON THE TOTEM POLE.
I GAVE HIM HIS BEAUTIFUL SON.
I GAVE HIM MY FAMILY.
I GAVE HIM MY HEART.
I GAVE HIM MY SOUL.
I GAVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.
And he rejected it. Rejects it everyday.
I have to let him go. He doesn't deserve me.
posted by Lu @ 8:38 AM
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