Never The Same Day Twice

Thursday, June 22, 2006

........................Thursday, June 22, 2006...................

I have not posted in a long while. I guess I'm just too drained. Either that or it's because I just don't want to sit still and THINK about my life any more than I have to.

Oddly, things have been peaceful of late. I am not flying off the handle, I've been calm with the little guy, and there have been no heated arguments or discussions with DH...

He comes. And goes. He takes the little guy out for a few hours. We are like ships in the night. I reach out and he rarely responds. We did go out to eat twice (with the little guy) but anything else, no. I've invited him for dinner. I've suggested going to things (a fair, etc) with the little guy. No. He said "I thought we were supposed to be getting used to being apart".

Getting used to. After a year living apart?

He is receding. I can feel it. Like the tide pulling out. He is taking himself beyond reach from me. WHY????????????????????????????????????????????????????

He said in therapy last night (we are still going but I doubt for very much longer---she did even ask us what our intentions were, if we were to continue coming, why did we want to?) again something about it not being about me. That it was HIM. All those rabid months last summer when he berated me and blamed me and told me it was all my fault... Now he is saying it was not. That it isn't. That it is HIM.

So I said to the therapist, okay then if that is the truth, how come we have to break up? Things happen in the course of a marriage, how come we can't just ride this wave for a while? And she said that some marriages can handle that, but that sometimes people who need to do whatever it is they need to do, need to do it outside of the marriage, that no support from a loving partner is enough, they need to go.


Apparently the case here. He wants a new life. He feels guilty. He is in pain over it. He knows there are at least 20 people who thinks he's an ass for wanting out. But still the need, the desire, the quest to have this new life is strong enough to go against all that. To be away from his son. To HURT ME the way he has/is...

Maybe I should be in awe of his steadfastness. I know I couldn't do it.

On a side note, my parents are ALSO getting divorced.


I'm not supposed to know this, that they have come to this decision definitively. But I am enmeshed enough in the turmoil that my mother told me but said she wasn't supposed to because she and he are supposed to tell the three of us together.


Supposedly some time next month.

I think maybe I should start taking my Lexapro again. Just to be proactive...


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