Last night, I went to sleep when the boy did at around 8 and slept all the way til 1... at which point I awoke long enough to go shut off the lights outside and in the living room, check the alarm and brush my teeth. Then I went back to sleep, waking again at 6, just long enough to go shut the alarm and put on a light for my mother... Exhausted. Blessed sleep. It is good to sleep for so many hours at a stretch... so many hours, no baby crying and waking you up. It's amazing how it is when a baby is so young. I never realized it would be so bad. It does end...

And now he is a little boy. A little boy with the ability to articulate, to some degree, his opinions and observations about what's going on around him, what he can figure out and understand, what he sees...

He is so cute and wonderful and special. When he is sleeping, I look at his little face and can't believe I made him!!!

Yesterday we went to Mass. He acted up during the sermon and I had to walk to the back with him and he ran around me in big circles about 12 times... excess energy?? We went back to our seat and he was fairly good the rest of the way. The challenging thing is that Mass is so long at my parish! We got out of church, once we had put our coats on and gathered up our stuff, at 12:30! Mass started at 11... See, if I chose to go to another parish, maybe it would be shorter---actually I'm sure it would be shorter. Maybe that would be better for him, at this age. I don't know. Actually, he seems perfectly fine with it, it's me who needs to have more patience with him I guess.

In any event, he recognizes that church as his church, he can point it out when we drive by in that direction, and whenever we leave, he always says "We had a good time at church". SO! I shouldn't be complaining, ha ha!

We went to my parents after church for a short visit. My sister and her husband came over, which I wasn't expecting, but my parents were because they were making dinner for them. I would have stayed too (and gotten to see my niece, whom my boy loves) but Daddy was going to visit, supposedly at 3... So we left at 2:30.

I talked to him before we left and then he said it would be 3:30. Maybe between 3:30 and 4. But I left early anyway because I couldn't risk being at my mom's house when my niece came home because the boy would have been impossible to get into the car then.. It was hard enough getting him to leave as it was. (Bribes of popcorn were made!)

When I got home at 3, the boy had fallen asleep in the carseat and outside, it was pouring rain. So I decided to stay put. I pulled a book out of my knapsack and began to read. I figured Daddy would be showing up shortly and he could help me get boy and all our crap into the house... When I finished reading, I checked my watch and it was 4! I had read an hour! (no surprise there). And the boy had slept an hour! (that was a surprise). And Daddy was no where to be found (no surprise there either)...

I called him and he said he would be around in about 15 minutes. The boy woke up and I got him into the house and our stuff and shut the alarm and settled him down with a TV show and straightened up the house and then Daddy called and said he'd be another 15 minutes...

I guess in the end he came between 4 and 4:30... We ordered pizza and we ate, and then they played and I just kept getting more and more tired. I actually dozed off on the couch when they went downstairs but I kept waking up because it is really drafty on that couch in the front room. I was so cold!

So I made hot chocolate and signed onto the Web for a while. And then they came upstairs and they were so rowdy and I told him to get the boy settled down because it was getting close to bedtime. I was tired and wanted to get into my PJs and I felt uncomfortable and not sure of what to do with myself because it was unusual for him to still be over that late and not be in any kind of rush to leave.

I felt guilty though. Guilty that I wanted to rush him out. You can't win with me I guess. When he is booking for the door, I'm pissed at him because he isn't spending more time with the boy. But when he is in no rush to leave, I'm pissed at him for being in my way. I guess. Which just means it's MY problem I guess. When he is in a rush to leave, it's because he has other plans. When he is in no rush to leave, he has nothing better to do... And I guess that bothers me. Well, I know that bothers me. But what a sourpuss huh???

I can't wait to see my therapist this week. I have so much to talk to her about. I hope we don't get the weather they've been predicting. I don't want to have to cancel because of snow...

7:07 a.m. 4th Sunday of Ordinary Time

I have been up since 1:30 a.m. I slept from 7:30 to 1:30 and have been awake all this time. That is so weird but what are you going to do?

My boy has had some cute things to say, already so early (he awoke at 6:15).

One thing he did ask was what was turkey? I wondered, why is he asking that and I remember, last night at the restaurant, there was a saga about there being no turkey and so no one could order Monte Cristos or club sandwiches... He must have heard and filed it away in his little brain.

He is so adorable.

His suggestion about breakfast, which we are eating just now, was to make toast and then mini-waffles, and make sandwiches. He just said "These are the best waffle toast sandwiches ever". EVER! I agree!

I'm thinking people may think me judgmental or hard on Daddy because of yesterday, leaving while the boy was asleep, not coming back when he found out he was broken-hearted, not calling later to check in on him.. I suppose none of that behavior is so surprising. In fact, it is very much expected---for a MAN. So I will not use the event as any kind of minus against him. I just wonder what he is thinking---when in the grand scheme of things, these things matter...

Today we are hoping to get in a bath and hairwash (for him, not me, I'm all taken care of last night) and then on to Mass... After church, I think we will head to my mom and dad's and hang out for a couple of hours, and then come home to wait out Daddy's early evening visit. I'm not going to cook. Forget THAT. We'll order a pizza. I hope he has cash.

(Regarding cooking: these last two weeks I've been wishing for lasagna. Well, most specifically, my MOTHER'S lasagna, but missing that, I decided to make my own. Now, I've made it before, though not in a long time... this time, I made it with the boy. He helped me dump the pot cheese and sprinkle the mozzarella and throw the seasonings in and press the noodles down in the baking dish. We did this up on Wed night, with my intention of eating it Thursday night with Daddy. (Lasagna is always better the day after being refrigerated...)

So that's what we had. Lasagna and a make-shift garlic bread. The lasagna was not like my mom's. Rather bland in fact. But hey, whatever... OK? It was an effort. And substantial.. Finally at one point, Daddy says it's not that good. I forget how he put it, but something like that. And I said yeh, I know---self-effacing. I'm not going to delude myself. So I say, I don't make good lasagna (comparing myself to my mom, anyway) and he says "What can you do good?" Or "What can you do?" but inferring the good part... I can't remember which he said now.

Now I didn't freak out or storm from the room, as I might have done months before. But I just looked at him and said that comment wasn't necessary. I said, calmly, you know, you could have said the lasagna wasn't good but you always have to go that extra step and say something mean. And he said "It's my nature".

GOOD EXCUSE.

What to make of this man? He doesn't deserve me. Yes, I did hurt him and I neglected him when the boy was an infant... I made mistakes. I could have been calmer. But you know what? Still, I kept functioning. I kept doing. I held this place together, the best I could. He doesn't deserve me..

I still love him. If some magic lightning bolt were to hit him and cause him to start acting like a loving kind supportive accepting man, I think there is still something left in me, deep down, to get over the past and take him back. But without that lightning bolt... Not that he's asking me to take him back. He has never said that. I continually say "Oh just come home" or "Why don't you just come home?" but he has never said that. So I think coming home, at this point, is not on his radar. I have to remind myself about that. So that things like a box of Sarah Bernhardts don't have me thinking crazy thoughts.

Okedoki. I've written long enough today (as I just did Saturday's post). I will sign off for now. And figure out church clothes and run my boy's bath... I love Sundays really. Today is grey and it looks icy cold... Hopefully the winter weather that's been predicted will hold off til AFTER church and Grand visit... Maybe the sun will opt to make an appearance...

SATURDAY, January 28, 2006 Happy Birthday Crystal!!!

Consider this my Saturday 1/28 post... even though it's happening the next day...

OK, so Saturday. On Saturdays, my lovely boy and I 'do' art... I signed him up for a Gymboree Art class just for the heck of it (50% off because of his gym class enrollment) and we are in what is like our 3rd 'semester'... only the 'semester' is only 6 weeks long... I continue to sign him up because he really does love it. You can tell. He is so ready to get into that little room and get his art on.

The class is made up of about 8-10 little ones, 2-3 years old. They start out with what they call 'free painting'... The teacher has long skinny pieces of paper masking-taped to the walls around the small room and each kid picks one (my boy always picks the same one in the corner---but I'll admit, I steered him to it during the first few classes because I wanted a little breathing room---and now he thinks of it as 'his' I think). Then the teacher goes around and hands each kid a brush, or a roller, or sponges, or whatever. And then next, each kid gets a mini paper cup of paint. They usually end up getting more paint of a different color squirted in there and they get to paint their happy asses off for about 8 minutes.

My boy's free painting usually starts off looking very abstract and classy and I sit beside him and think, ooh, I think this one I can keep and frame... It is so cool. And then as soon as he gets the 2nd color in his cup, instead of adding it to his painting as an accent, or even as just another whole piece of color in his abstract creation, my boy paints over what he's already painted, and then the 3rd color comes, and forget it, by this point the long strip of paper is just one big blog of one color... generally not brown, but still, nothing of any note. But I do make a point of taking the paper down before we leave and bring it home with us, for what purpose I don't know.

After free painting, there is a story, a game perhaps, and then at least 2 or sometimes even 3 crafts. Maybe some more painting, usually some gluing, and at least one craft requires us to put googly eyes on it. All on a theme. Snowflakes, circus, penguins, etc...

We get to go home with the long strip of color, and the different crafts he's made. I put them up around the house. It's as fun as saving his artwork from school, but I don't have to leave him in school to do them, and I get to be with him and watch him do it.

So today we had art and the theme was circus. We came home with a dotted clown's hat and a clown face on a stick that my boy has more than once tonight picked up and come to me singing "Silly Clown, silly clown, turn around, silly clown, silly clown, touch the ground...) SO CUTE!

After art, we went with Daddy to Chuck E Cheese. We went in my car. But before we left, Daddy went to his truck for a minute and when he came back, he handed me a small square box with blue curling ribbon it. A present? I saw that the box was from St. Moritz, a lovely bakery... And the box was filled with... SARAH BERNHARDTS!!!

He got the big box too! Not the small one I get occasioanlly where you get 5... This box had two lovely layers of cookies wrapped in tissue... What was this all about? He said he was in town and he stopped, since he knew I liked them. *WTF?*

(Sarah Bernhardts, by the way, are small cookies...dome shaped, almond-y, that are topped with a truffley-fudgy substance and then dipped in chocolate. So you hold them on the cookie part and you bite into the chocolate, truffley fudgy part. HEAVEN!!! I love Sarah Bernhardts!!! Almond, cookie, truffle perfection. Can't eat just one---but you can't eat more than 2 at one sitting either... And I have a whole BOX of them!! Which I will have to share I suppose...)

I don't know what possessed him to buy the cookies, or why such a big box (it was probably about $15)... I don't want to read too much into it. I mean, C'MON... But if this was, say, June or even August, a lovely box of cookies would have me feeling faintly wistful and ready to pull the wedding album out to peruse... But it's JANUARY. I think he was just trying to be nice.

But regardless, we went to Chuck E Cheese, and instead of retreating into my little capsule of ignoring the teeming crowds of frantic children and ringing games and focus on my stack of catalogs, I decided to change the paradigm... And instead I walked around with Daddy and my boy as they played games. I even played a few. Then we all went to eat our nasty Chuck E Cheese food. And then a few more games.

Sadly, Daddy bought $5 worth of tokens while ordering the food, and I bought $1 at the same time (unbeknownst to him) and then afterwards, he opened up the free sticker they are giving out and learned we had won $5 worth of tokens!! We=losers for not opening the sticker first! We all could have saved money. (We came home with $4 worth of tokens for next time...Cool!)
We played to our hearts' content and my boy ended up with 99 tickets which he exchanged for 1. yellow stretchy lizard, approx 2 inches long 2. one of the cheapest ass race-cars made in the China-Taiwan environs, approx 1 inch long and 3. one tiny plastic plane that sits on an even tinier green cone... He was excited by this! As only a 3 year old can be. Daddy bought him a green Chuck-E-Cheese balloon, which somehow opened in the car and lost all its helium and Daddy blew it back up to gargantuan size, but it no longer floated and has been left in the car...

After C.E.C, we popped over to Stop&Shop so I could buy milk and bread and then we drove home. And my boy fell asleep. So we brought him in and took off his coat and shoes and he slept in his light-filled room... And Daddy decided he would go, since he was only going to stay a short time anyway and now the boy is sleeping so... Can't hang around! And shortly thereafter he left...

When the boy woke up, the first words out of his mouth were "Where's Daddy?" which broke my heart, and then I had to say Daddy left, and that broke his heart, and his eyes welled up with tears and he started to cry. And I held him and tried to soothe him by saying Daddy is going to come back tomorrow to play with you and offered things we could do that afternoon together and everything I said was met with vigorous shaking of the head... As I held him I kept thinking 'this is my life... this is his life... he will meet disappointment... and we are alone..."

I said, finally, when he would not be soothed, "do you want to talk to Daddy?" and he said yes and stopped crying. Now, I knew calling Daddy would be met with some annoyance from him, and maybe even his accusation of being manipulative... but at that point, I wasn't suggesting calling him to be manipulative, I just wanted my boy to feel OK, and I thought maybe if he heard his Daddy's voice telling him he'd be back tomorrow, he would feel OK. And so we called. And Daddy spoke to my boy and it wasn't working. And then I got on the phone and he started yelling at me. And I tried to explain, but he was mad. I said, all he keeps doing is shaking his head... and he yelled at me saying "what does that mean, is he saying yes or no?!" and I yelled back "I said SHAKING his head, not NODDING his head... He's SHAKING his head NO!" And then he said "Well why don't you go outside with him and play or something? Can't you handle this?" And I got more peeved and I said "He will be fine. He just woke up. I thought he'd feel better if he talked to you. He'll be fine".

And then I hung up. And then he called back and apologized for being snappy. But that he felt bad hearing he was upset. And I said "I didn't call you to make you feel bad. But he needed to talk to you". And he reminded me he'd be over again tomorrow, after 3 or so...

But he didn't suggest that maybe he'd come BACK and spend more time with the boy. In all, he spent about 1/2 an hour at Art (since he met us there as is usual, but was late, as is also usual) and then maybe an hour, maybe an hour and a half at CEC... The driving to and fro... The time spent WITH the boy, engaged one on one with him, was minimal when you do the calculations, which I try not to, so as not to minimize his efforts. But still, had I gotten the call saying that he had woken up heart-broken to find me gone, and for another 24 hours yet, I would have suggested maybe I'll come back then and play for another hour or so. But no. He couldn't suggest THAT. He had PLANS. He was going to play pool with his buddy. And then God knows what. And he's allowed to have plans. Of course he is. (We won't go into the fact that I am not allowed the same... I'm the Mommy remember?) But I find it odd and kind of sad, depressing, that he never called the rest of the day to see how the rest of the day turned out for us. Maybe that is expecting too much. But if I had gotten the call and not suggested coming back, I think I might have called later in the evening and just asked how things were going, what did you end up doing, how long did it take til he settled down? I mean, yeh we all know that tantrums simmer down eventually. But still... Some interest? What if he threw a real fit and I ended up in the emergency room? Or whatever... Nothing so dramatic. I just don't understand why he couldn't have found some stray moment during this evening to call (he has a cell) to check in. Am I expecting too much? Apparently. Though I think that is kind of illustrative of the idea that I had when comforting my boy that we are all alone. Because WE ARE.

I suggested 101 different things that my boy and I could do that afternoon. Some of them were fairly different, since it is Winter but warm today... I tried walking on the beach, going to the park, going to see the ducks at the waterfall "we've never done that yet" and many many other ideas that would have been free and gotten us fresh air.. But every idea was met with the vigorous shaking of the head. But then finally he said he wanted to go BOWLING. But he called it 'rolling'... and so OFF WE WENT.

I told him we were going to have a 'date'. We were going to go bowling and then we were going to go to the restaurant at the beach and have dinner together and watch the sunset. And he was quiet and pleased.

So the two of us went bowling. I spent $8 to rent the ugly shoes (note to self: buy your own bowling shoes, since your shoe size doesn't change every six months, and you will save yourself money in the future). Then we were assigned a lane at the other end of the world, right next to three tables set up for birthday parties. But remember, it was just us two. Do you know how fast you can ball 10 frames when you are taking turns with one game? I had originally planned to buy two games, one for each, which would have cost us $10. But I screwed up on the computer set up and ended up with just one frame up there with my boy's name. And I thought: Hey! What a concept! I can get away with one game for $5. And that's what we did. He bowled (roll ball at the slowest possible speed imaginable down lane) and then I bowled and we went thru 10 frames in 1/2 an hour. And then I said, do you want to bowl anymore, hoping he'd say no, but he said yes. So I hit the "New Game" button and thought screw it, I expected $10, so I'll spend $10. And I let him bowl and then after he bowled the one ball he said he was ready to leave!

So I rolled the second ball and then I hit the button that said "ERASE FRAME". And I thought, I DARE them to charge me another $5!! I have a three year old here!

When I got to the cashier to return the ugly shoes, she charged me only $5, yippee!

(By the way, my boy's little feet look so cute in those ugly shoes!)

Then we drove to the beach, and we ate at the diner. I had a broccoli and cheddar omelet and he had one pancake and a side of bacon. And we shared a milkshake and watched the sky turn pink out the windows... And he struck up a conversation (or what could be called one) with the 2.5 year old boy across the aisle. This boy was not conversant in the least, just full of crazy gestures and getting really close to my boy, nearly close enough to kiss. My boy, on the other hand, kept trying to engage the child in speech. "Little Boy, what are you doing?" "Little Boy, do you remember Santa came? I put a carrot for the reindeer".

It was very cute.

Driving home, he asked me if he could watch the Backyardigans downstairs when we got home and I said absolutely. So I set him up with juice in front of Tivo and I took a shower in the bathroom down there. And then I put his PJs on and we came back upstairs and we lay down in bed and read 2 books and said our prayers, and then I shut the light and said let's go to sleep. This was approx 7:35 pm... But we SLEPT. Lovely sweet sleep. Quiet. No one called us on the phone... And I woke at 1:30 a.m... My boy was upside down in bad curled up in the middle... inches away from rolling off. I righted him up, back onto his pillow, thanked Fate for waking me up just then, and then got up. Realized I had a wicked stomach ache. Made tea. Did two sketches. Signed onto Web to read blogs. One (Finslippy) had me laughing out loud. Which waked up my boy, who sat bolt upright and said he was going to have a party for the Boobahs. At MY house. Today. Very definitive. I decided to engage him in the fantasy and asked him questions. Are all the Boobahs going to come? What will we eat? He said Cake. And mushrooms. (Mushrooms? We've never eaten a mushroom in our lives!). Cake and mushrooms and cupcakes. And juice. That sounds good, he said. I said it sounded like an excellent plan.

Then I tried to get him to go back to sleep (after changing his diaper) by laying back down with him and letting him hold my hair. But he was having none of it. And that's when I realized it was 6 a.m. and not a bad time to get awakened. So I asked him if he wanted to watch a show and of course he said yes.

So now he is sitting beside me watching Bear in the Big Blue House.

God, I love this child. He can drive me to insanity.. but that is the nature of the toddler. Still, he is my greatest joy. And without him, my life would be shit.

We reach another weekend. I am tired. Today I managed to do alot of work. I added several new charges, did 3 reports (one of them huge) for the VP of Marketing, and purged 35,398 accts with no financial activity. That last task, though easy, will have a major effect on the system and the reports we've been running. Now to keep it well-maintained... 35,000+ is an obscene amount to have to purge at one time. I'm almost embarassed there were so many.

Food today, embarrassing:

2 mini waffles
Egg McMuffin
Swiss Miss hot chocolate
2 mini bags of Welch's fruit punch fruit snacks
2 hotdogs in buns
small portion of french fries (made in the oven)
small portion of broccoli

Yuck.

It's too bad I forgot about this blog, ha ha! It's 3.5 months since---I don't even remember creating it. Anyhoo, it is 2006!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I'm still wanting to make this a good year---want to go into my 4th decade with some semblance of peace and balance.

As far as sleep, whoa boy. I fluctuate--some days I go to bed at a fairly reasonable hour (say, 11), some days I pass out as soon as my son does and sleep like a log til 3 a.m., and then some days I actually stay up til 2 or 3 a.m...

To start off the new year, I scheduled all my health appointments. I had a physical already (last week). Gynecologist today. Next Wednesday is my dentist (long overdue). I need to schedule with the dermatologist (whom I saw in November) for a biopsy on the mole on my chest. And I need to schedule an appt with a neurologist, as my doc did a workup on me because of my knee pain and she said I showed a positive on the rheumatoid. A small positive, she says it could even be a false-positive. But better to be safe than sorry, same with the mole biopsy. So those two things hang over my head...

The other thing I have started to do is schedule lunch 'dates' with people at work. I have come to realize that I have isolated myself far, far too much all last year, once I started not going in 2 days a week and only 1. I thought that was my way of self-nurturing, giving myself space. But now I see that all I was really doing, after a few months of giving myself 'space' , was marginalizing myself. I had lunch today and I came away feeling fairly energized, for an introvert ;-) I think it's because you really do need to reach out sometimes and I had stopped doing that...

I want to start doing art. I stopped drawing and painting and creating so long ago, I'm almost fearful of starting up again. But I think, I know, I need it. Just for myself. Not for any purpose. I need to start sketching... And I signed up for a watercolor class. I don't know if I'll get in---they didn't cash my check yet so... If I get in, that will start next month.

Feb 2, we switch over from a 45 minute morning Gymboree (with parents) to an afternoon "independent" Gymboree class for an hour. Although I'm not allowed to leave the building, it will give me an hour to maybe read or write or even meditate, right? This will be kind of cool---enforced quiet time. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh yeh, I've also signed up for a 7 week "Marriage Fitness Tele-Seminar". I'm in what they call the 'lone ranger' track (as opposed to the 'duo' track)--gee, no surprise there!