Never The Same Day Twice

Sunday, January 29, 2006

7:07 a.m. 4th Sunday of Ordinary Time

I have been up since 1:30 a.m. I slept from 7:30 to 1:30 and have been awake all this time. That is so weird but what are you going to do?

My boy has had some cute things to say, already so early (he awoke at 6:15).

One thing he did ask was what was turkey? I wondered, why is he asking that and I remember, last night at the restaurant, there was a saga about there being no turkey and so no one could order Monte Cristos or club sandwiches... He must have heard and filed it away in his little brain.

He is so adorable.

His suggestion about breakfast, which we are eating just now, was to make toast and then mini-waffles, and make sandwiches. He just said "These are the best waffle toast sandwiches ever". EVER! I agree!

I'm thinking people may think me judgmental or hard on Daddy because of yesterday, leaving while the boy was asleep, not coming back when he found out he was broken-hearted, not calling later to check in on him.. I suppose none of that behavior is so surprising. In fact, it is very much expected---for a MAN. So I will not use the event as any kind of minus against him. I just wonder what he is thinking---when in the grand scheme of things, these things matter...

Today we are hoping to get in a bath and hairwash (for him, not me, I'm all taken care of last night) and then on to Mass... After church, I think we will head to my mom and dad's and hang out for a couple of hours, and then come home to wait out Daddy's early evening visit. I'm not going to cook. Forget THAT. We'll order a pizza. I hope he has cash.

(Regarding cooking: these last two weeks I've been wishing for lasagna. Well, most specifically, my MOTHER'S lasagna, but missing that, I decided to make my own. Now, I've made it before, though not in a long time... this time, I made it with the boy. He helped me dump the pot cheese and sprinkle the mozzarella and throw the seasonings in and press the noodles down in the baking dish. We did this up on Wed night, with my intention of eating it Thursday night with Daddy. (Lasagna is always better the day after being refrigerated...)

So that's what we had. Lasagna and a make-shift garlic bread. The lasagna was not like my mom's. Rather bland in fact. But hey, whatever... OK? It was an effort. And substantial.. Finally at one point, Daddy says it's not that good. I forget how he put it, but something like that. And I said yeh, I know---self-effacing. I'm not going to delude myself. So I say, I don't make good lasagna (comparing myself to my mom, anyway) and he says "What can you do good?" Or "What can you do?" but inferring the good part... I can't remember which he said now.

Now I didn't freak out or storm from the room, as I might have done months before. But I just looked at him and said that comment wasn't necessary. I said, calmly, you know, you could have said the lasagna wasn't good but you always have to go that extra step and say something mean. And he said "It's my nature".


What to make of this man? He doesn't deserve me. Yes, I did hurt him and I neglected him when the boy was an infant... I made mistakes. I could have been calmer. But you know what? Still, I kept functioning. I kept doing. I held this place together, the best I could. He doesn't deserve me..

I still love him. If some magic lightning bolt were to hit him and cause him to start acting like a loving kind supportive accepting man, I think there is still something left in me, deep down, to get over the past and take him back. But without that lightning bolt... Not that he's asking me to take him back. He has never said that. I continually say "Oh just come home" or "Why don't you just come home?" but he has never said that. So I think coming home, at this point, is not on his radar. I have to remind myself about that. So that things like a box of Sarah Bernhardts don't have me thinking crazy thoughts.

Okedoki. I've written long enough today (as I just did Saturday's post). I will sign off for now. And figure out church clothes and run my boy's bath... I love Sundays really. Today is grey and it looks icy cold... Hopefully the winter weather that's been predicted will hold off til AFTER church and Grand visit... Maybe the sun will opt to make an appearance...


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