Oh my God, I thought this day would NEVER end...! It started out okay. The boy (who had fallen asleep, believe it or not, at 6 p.m. Sat night and slept thru the night, even through me changing him into PJ's and into a new diaper) woke at 6:30 asking for an ice cream cone. "Rella", he said "which is white"... I didn't get him an ice cream cone (he makes far too many crumbs) but I let him watch TV while I jumped in the shower, and then I gave him his bath... This was all before 8 a.m. which is unusual for us, but I decided to jump on it.

At 8:15 my sister called and asked if she could come over to see the boy before we left for church. This was highly unusual but I said sure, why not. So she came over with munchkins and played with the boy for about 2 hours... And during that time I got dressed and watched the first 45 minutes of "The Turning Point" which I always wanted to see, and now need to see it again so I can watch the middle and ending...

We went to church and parked and I was going around to get the boy out of the truck when he said he didn't want to go to church. Nothing I could come up with could convince him and I should have sensed the foreboding... I said OK then, I'll leave you, and I walked away from the car (with the door hanging open) and stood away for a few minutes to see what he would do. And do you know that little shit leaned out of the car to check out, presumedly, if I had really left or not? So I went back and tried to get him out again, and it wasn't working until finally I said, let's go check out the park and then we'll go into church. And he said OK, and got out of the truck.

Now this park-checking-out was a lie, and I guess you shouldn't lie on the way into church. Perhaps the ensuing drama was my punishment. He was okay initially. Our ladies didn't sit behind us, unfortunately. He drank his water, ate his lollipop, read his book. Then he got hold of my offertory envelope and proceeded to fold and squash it up into a tiny little origami shape, watching me with those big brown eyes to see what I was going to do. I guess? Then he got his little truck that he tricked me into bringing and he began banging it on the pew. THEN he got the toothbrush out of the diaper bag (the one still in the package that he was going to give his friend at Gymboree "for Christmas") and he began HITTING ME WITH IT. Now I don't know WHY or WHEREFORE the hitting commenced, but I was not going to sit there while he hit me with a tootbrush in full view of 200+ church-goers, so I stood up and walked him to the back of the church... He walked in circles around my legs about 17 times while we were back there and then I kneeled down for the Eucharist prayer---I thought he was going to kneel down in front of me (sucker) and then it seemed like he was going to sit in front of me (naive)... no, he decided to LIE down in front of me, on the dirty ass lobby floor... and every time I sat him up, he laid back down! I was getting more and more annoyed and I couldn't believe he could be so stubborn. Eventually, it was almost time for Communion so I told him we were going back to our seat. Which we did...

And then at the point where I usually reach down to put his shoes back on (I take his shoes off during Mass because I hold him during a lot of it and sometimes I inadvertently get kicked and I hate that)... and he wouldn't let me put them on. When I say he wouldn't let me, I mean he did everything he could to prevent me from doing so. This was doing what is essentially the most solemn part of the Mass, when everyone up front is getting ready to distribute communion, and everyone else is in a prayerful mode waiting to head up front... and my son is making noises like some retarded child or autistic... Stretching out on my lap, letting his head hang back, making strange noises... I gave up on the shoes and stood him to walk down the aisle like that, and he started carrying on... And at that point I lost it.. I picked him up under his arms and walked swiftly out to the side door and put him down there.

And then I started to cry. I don't know why I cried. I guess it was just pent-up emotion. Embarassment. Anger. Lack of control. And he's just sitting there watching me, responding to my inquiries with "I don't want to go to Communion". "I want to go home". I said we can't go home now, all our stuff is in the seat. And we just stood there in that vestibule, a little 3 year old hell-bent on testing out his independence, and a nearly 40 year old woman weeping because she can't control a child in her care...

We went back to our seat finally... and sang the last hymn and then I had a lightbulb moment. I walked (with the boy) out to the back where Father was saying goodbye to everyone and he was shutting the doors (we were the last ones out) and I said "Can I ask you a favor? Can you give me Communion? I missed it because he was acting up". And he said certainly. And walked us back up the aisle to the altar and gave me Communion and then blessed the two of us...

I love that priest.

As we were walking out of church, the boy said "We had a lot of fun in church today". Now mind you, he says this EVERY WEEK, but this time I replied "You did huh? Well Mommy didn't have much fun".

Now if he were older, I would have headed home and made him go to his room or something. He deserved a punishment. But he's three, you know, and the rest of the day would just be he and I and I figured, if I go home, the only person who's going to be punished is ME... so even though he didn't deserve it one iota, we went to the diner, and I got him blueberry pancakes and his precious BACON and a milkshake ("rella") and I got an omelet and hot tea. And we had breakfast and all was fine.

And then we got home and it was relatively warm out so I let him play outside for a while.

Later in the day he acted up again and was hitting me but this time I kept catching his arm before it made contact and said "Stop hitting"... but he kept doing it... And you know what pisses me off the most??? I don't know how to reach him. When he is being bad like that, testing me, I don't know what to do to really have an effect. I sat him down on the couch and held his arms and he just laughs. I don't know why he thinks it's a game but unfortunately he does and no amount of reasoning or raising of my voice seems to reach him until he's good and ready to settle down.

It is wearing me down I can tell you that.

It's amazing really that yesterday went so well. But that's probably because he fell asleep so early.

I hope tomorrow is better. Of course, I am going into the office tomorrow and then I have therapy in the evening. So I'm barely going to spend any time with him... I think I'll try to get home early I guess. But I know me, even if I do that, I'll hide out while my mom is here in charge...

I guess I'll think ahead and hope Tuesday is better then...