Never The Same Day Twice

2007-01-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

To remember:

About a week ago, when the little man was battling a virus, I was headed out to the grocery store one evening... Mommy had come over to see him after work and I had the opportunity to run out... so I did. I had coat, gloves, shoes on and stepped downstairs to say goodbye and ask the perennial 'before the grocery store question' "Is there anything you need?" (to which he usually replies, after a thought, cucumbers...watermelon... green grapes... pickles...)

That day, I asked "Shall I get you anything special... is there anything you need?" and he looked at me and said "Yes. You".

ME! He said he needed ME.

I love you little boy. That's the first time you've ever said anything like that before. It made my heart melt.

2007-01-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

ALPHABET!!! A meme from Dawn at By Sun and Candlelight (one of my newest favorite blogs---which I check several times a day because she always has great things to read there...)

With no further adieu, the letter "U"

U-nited States --- 'nuff said?! :-)

u-nicorns --- as a girl, I loved unicorns and anything even vaguely medieval... I drew them, painted them, collected them (some), was drawn to posters of them... I still find myself a tad wistful when I think of them... but as a 40 yr old mother of 1 little boy, my days of unicorns are over!

u-niforms --- I went to Catholic School from K to 12th grade, and was a habit-wearing nun in my early 20's... so uniforms of one kind or another have been part of most of my life. And you know what? I kinda miss them! I envy those people who don't have to consider what to wear to work each day (think: nurses, waitresses, police officers, etc..). I also envy men for their simple wardrobes. I once read an article about basically coming up with a 'uniform' of your own---in terms of a few basic pieces and then mixing and matching them each day. Considering I am generally in a sweater and jeans OR in a sweater and black skirt/slacks at work, I guess I am kind of wearing a uniform still!

U-known Soldier (Tomb of) --- I have never visited this but it's something that haunts me, the thought of people lost in battle and their family never knowing...

u-ltramarine --- a vibrant beautiful blue color... I LOVE COLORS of all kinds and although I don't wear alot of color in my every day life, I am drawn to them in papers, pens, etc... Ultramarine (and aquamarine) are two of my favorites...

u-kele --- and the Hawaiian music you play ukeles to...

u-mbilical cord --- okay, this one might seen kind of out there... and truth be told, I didn't actually see the umbilical cord that attached me to my little guy (as I had a c-section and couldn't see anything)... the idea of it impresses me, the idea of having your child attached to you in that way... isn't Life amazing?

u-nabridged --- I was a voracious reader as a child (still am, when I have the time)... I had the same teacher in 4th and 7th grade (she moved up) and she had a classroom library which I salivated over... except for this small series of books that I see sometimes in used books stores. They were classics (think "Tom Sawyer", "Little Women", etc)... in abridged form. Small square paperbacks, maybe 80-90 pages tops. Brrrr.... the thought still gives me the shivers. They were AWFUL!! Give me an UNABRIDGED version of a novel anyday. The unabridged Oxford Dictionary is on my all-time wish list too...

u-nity --- peace, calm, kindness... whether we're talking in our own individual families, or in the world at large, the idea of unity is a mind-blowing wonderful one

u-mbrellas --- I actually really love umbrellas, I like when it's a day I need to use one... not one of those crazy windy days when it goes inside out and you look ridiculous, but one of those days when you just feel like walking in the rain and the umbrella is so wonderful to have. I like big golf umbrellas that fit two people under them. I saw an umbrella that is black on top and inside it has a beautiful graphics of white clouds on bright blue sky... These days I have one folding black umbrella in the car, one red/white/blue umbrella (see 1st entry USA) in the house, and a small yellow umbrella that matches my son's yellow rain boots. Our big black golf umbrella finally bit the dust a few months ago...

I did 10 of the letter "U", woo-hoo!!!!

2006-11-17T23:31:00.000-08:00

I am such a bad blogger.

I have such good intentions, like I have for most everything in my life.

But if I blogged, I'd never have time to READ any blogs, and I do find I like that so much really. There are some really creative inspiring people out there who express themselves so beautifully and very often I find that I am pondering things they've written for days afterwards...

Not to mention some beautiful photos and artwork and poetry...

Oh, to have 40 hour DAYS... 24 hours is just not enough.

It is NOVEMBER. My little man has turned FOUR!!! Tomorrow is his 4th birthday party---meaning, the fourth one he's having... Oh that sounds like he's incredibly spoiled. So I will explain:

Sunday, we had our extended family party with both sides of the immediate family which made 18 people in all.

Tuesday, he had a little fete with his preschool class---this amounted to them singing him Happy Birthday and him wearing a paper crown all day and sitting in a specially decorated chair and being line-leader and flag-holder and all that fun stuff.

Wednesday, his actual birthday, we went to morning Mass (for which I had his intention in the book) so Father Bob announced to the whole congregation that it was his birthday and for everyone to keep him in prayer specially (he kept asking afterwards, is he going to say my name again?), then we went out for breakfast with Grandma, then to the zoo (fun!), then back home for a little rest time before we went out and met Papa at the Japanese hibachi restaurant for dinner.

And tomorrow will be his 'kid' party. Like last year, a low-key at home party. Just a few friends. Last year we had four friends and his cousin --- 6 in all. This year, it is 7 friends... 4 boys and 3 girls... I have pirate hats for the lot of them... (The little man was a pirate for Halloween so this is the theme..)

I am up this late having made the mini goody bags and put crap away and starting setting up. Tomorrow I must:

vacuum and dust
make the cake and ice it
put the cold-cut plate together
cut the rolls and put them in a basket
chill the soda for the mommies
set up the kids table
write the kids' names on the wooden 'treasure boxes' that we will be decorating as the art activity for the party

Alot but should be able to get done by 1, no? Well, I guess if I get some sleep maybe.

I have alot to tell about what has transpired since the last time I posted. A new cat, a divorce in the works, a death in the family... But those are all things to discuss some other time. I must hit the hay...

Ciao.

2006-07-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

http://lookup.avatars.yahoo.com/wimages?yid=isjalu0826&size=large&type=jpg

2006-07-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

...................Saturday 7/29/06

Reading a book by Gunilla Norris called "A Mystic Garden"...

Not a gardener by any stretch of the word, but I am enamored of the IDEA of gardening...

Anyway, I'm going to write down some of the things that strike me from this book because already there are a few things. It is written in the order of the Seasons. I'm still in Winter...

p.15 Continuing to ask questions is a way for the mind to make itself important, to pretend it has control. Let go. You are dying daily...

p.27 With or without your hard work, God is always moving in your life. Wait on the Holy. Wait and receive the gifts that come.

p. 38 Acknowledging our stubborn, hidden layers is humbling. Long-held attitudes of isolation, self-pity, resentment, regret, and despair come to the surface. They lie scattered like heavy stones all around us. We are broken. We are clay. Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk once said: Nothing is more whole than a broken heart".

p.63 Can you trust that out of chaos comes the new? Order and beauty have fooled many.

p.94 To lie fallow is a gift. We don't really know how to do it. Rather we are done by it or undone by it.

2006-07-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

.................Thursday, 7/20/06

Haven't written in a while. I am tired though. I was away this past weekend, visiting friends in PENNSYLVANIA and it was so much fun, so grand! Seeing old friends, laughing, goofing around, talking serious... all ends of the spectrum.

I will try to write more later.

T fell asleep about 1/2 an hour ago. He must be exhausted. I changed him into PJs while he was asleep. I hope he goes thru the night. I have to get some more work done, maybe do my bills. I rented two videos, maybe watch those. We'll see...

Just so long as I don't start one of the videos and just SIT THERE AND WATCH IT. I've been doing that too much lately. I know there's a trend now to NOT multitask, to focus on what you're doing, but you know? TV watching does NOT have to be passive. I have too many damn things to do to continue VEGGING LIKE THAT. Enough is enough, hello?

2006-07-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

...............Wednesday 7/12/06

Found this somewhere... thought it was pretty damn cool. I felt proud checking off the states I'd visited... but now that I see the map, I feel pretty Northeasterly top-heavy, no? What's with the blanks in the whole Central US? I only hit Nevada last year. I always tell people I've only been 1/2 way across---Michigan and Oklahoma. I did DRIVE to Michigan though!

Oh well, one of these days I'll be putting in more red. Hopefully in an RV with my little T... dreams!

create your own personalized map of the USA

2006-07-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

.........................Sunday 7/9/06

BOY what a weekend! An awesome one! I didn't bring my camera with me anywhere so I don't have any pictures to document it but you know what, the memories of this weekend are IN MY HEART and that is enough!

Where to start?

T and I (I'm going to start referring to my little guy as T now, for simplicity's sake) went to my friend Doris' house. She lives an hour away in Westchester County. She and her son J are buddies. They are a month apart.

She and J were at our house for a playdate last week and then last Saturday we went to her house for a pre-4th of July BBQ, both times at which J and T hit it off royally. So when she invited us back, I said what the hell? Let's go!

So of we went, at noon on Saturday. We were supposed to BE there at noon, but you know me, I can never get my ass out the door on time anymore. We sped down the highway and made it in exactly one hour with no backtracking! This is now the SECOND time I have made it to her house without getting lost, yippee!

J was napping when we showed up but shortly thereafter we went to 'the lake'. Now, Doris talks about the lake all the time but I didn't know what to expect. We followed her truck down the road about 1/4 of a mile, turned right, and then shortly thereafter turned left again into what looked like a shortcut thru the woods. At the end of a narrow gravel path, we drove into a clearing and THERE WAS THE LAKE! Surrounded by greener than green trees, and with a sandy beach besides!

J was still groggy from his nap and wasn't ready to play yet, so T got started with helping an older boy dig out some sand to build a 'turtle' out of sand. They never did finish it but he was very engrossed with his little shovel beside the 'big boy'. Then he and J went in the water, so cute! T showed no fear! Eventually we had swimmies on his arm and Doris took him out more and he was floating on his stomach with his legs stretched out behind him... just floating around like it was the most natural thing to do! It was AMAZING!!!!

When we left, both boys didn't fuss---they seemed ready after hours in the sun and water, to play indoors for a bit. But that didn't last. J decided he wanted to jump in the pool, and T was ready too! So on go the swimmies again, and into the pool he goes. The whole family was in the pool---naturally I sat along the side like the big wuss I am!

And here is where T just amazed me. Just last weekend he was fearful and wouldn't let anyone who would hold him in the water let him go. THIS time he was telling Doris "I do myself" and he would do a little jump from the pool steps into the water, the swimmies and a floaty-ring making him buoyant. He sat in the little floating boat and also this rafty thing, leaning over to pick up rubber duckies and such.. He was having such a good time.

It was hard to finally get him to leave after. We did go back indoors and each had a hotdog... I finally had to mention the word "choopie" (pacifier) and that was enough to get him to comply with my entreaty to leave... We didn't leave til 7 as it was!!!

Today we went to church for 11 and he was very well-behaved. It looked so nice out when we left that I threw some beach paraphenalia in the car for after---and that's where we headed. We were there from 12:30 to 4:00!!! The tide was slowly going out and T was in his glory---he built volcanoes and towers, then we ran along the shore jumping the waves, then he made tracks in the sand left wet from the tide, and then he said he wanted to play with these two boys that were digging a big hole.. He wanted to so badly, you could tell, so I walked over there with him and as I did with the 'big boy' digging the turtle Saturday, I 'introduced' him to the bigger boys (probably about 5 and 11) and asked them if Tim could 'help'. I'm always amazed when the kids say Yes! So down he went to 'help' and he did that til those boys had to leave..

All in all, I know we had full happy days out in the sunshine and fresh air. It was wonderful!

On the way home today we got ice cream cones, then I ran in to order pizza to be delivered... we sped home and I ran a bath for T. He was in the tub when the pizza arrived. I dressed him and then I jumped in the shower---after which the pizza was the perfect temp. We ate it at the dining room table together and then we watched Madagascar in my room.. after which, at 7, I lay down with him in his room to say our prayers, and he fell asleep.

A glorious exhausted sleep I'd gather!

And now I have to go get ready for work tomorrow. Good night!

2006-07-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Grateful Friday

See that little boy up there? That image should suffice for my Grateful Friday list.

He is the one right thing I've done in my life.

I just wish I could be consistent and do right by him. Why do I get so impatient?

Anyway, that's not a Grateful Friday list. Here's my list:

1. That I have this sweet little boy in my life everyday
2. That I get to wake up and look into those deep brown innocent eyes
3. the beautiful sunny day we had today with no humidity
4. the soft rolling waves as the tide moved in at the beach this evening
5. the pink in the clouds as the sun set
6. peach shakes
7. my mom and aunt arriving safely in Atlanta this morning
8. the consistency of my job
9. finding a hotel room in PA for next weekend---when the first two places I called were all booked
10. that I kept my integrity intact today when DH was being annoying and trying to get me mad; I was mad but I stayed in control

2006-07-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

..................Friday, 7/7/06

10 Favorites

Favorite season~ autumn
Favorite color~ pink
Favorite time~ very late at night when everyone is sleeping, although I do like daybreak a lot too
Favorite food~ pastina with butter: comfort food
Favorite drink~ hot orange pekoe tea with 2 TB sugar and a tiny tiny drop of milk
Favorite ice cream~ peach
Favorite place~ any beach
Favorite sport~ basketball, but I also like to watch rowing
Favorite actor~ Hugh Grant, Robert Redford
Favorite actress~ Elizabeth Perkins, Meryl Streep

9 Currents

Current feeling~ tired with a headache and my shoulders hurt
Current drink~ a peach shake from Bennigans
Current time~ 10:16 p.m. EST
Current show on TV~ nothing; I'm relishing the QUIET
Current mobile used~ Cingular
Current windows open~ my work connection
Current underwear~ microfiber briefs from Costco
Current clothes~ cropped denims and a white embroidered tank top
Curent thought~ I have to go finish putting the stuff on my bed away so I can sleep (I took everything out of my closet)

8 Firsts

First nickname~ Lulu
First kiss~ this Brazilian guy, I can't remember his name, but he freaked me out because he french-kissed me and I wasn't expecting that---I was OLD (don't be scandalized) in my 20's... and was NOT prepared
First crush~ 5th grade- John Fusaro---he was a redhead! He dressed up as a spy for Halloween and this was the year "The Spy Who Loved Me" was on the radio!!
First best friend~ Barbara---we were friends from 2nd to 7th grade, then there was a falling out I never quite understood. I need to find her someday and find out what really happened.
First vehicle I drove~ my parents' long black 70s stationwagon
First job~ babysitting but then also my job at the hospital picking up menus from pt rooms
First date~ 18 years old with this guy from college named Rob, blonde, he drove a big black Lincoln Continental---I was terrified of him! Not initially, but that night I was... There was no kiss!
I did go to the Senior Prom the year before but that doesn't count as a date because I took my friend Tony who was 2 years younger than me and practically like a brother (though I was in love with him for a while..)
First pet~ Fluffy---though I think we did have a cat before her when I was littler; I don't remember her name...

7 Lasts

Last drink~ the peach shake that I'm still drinking
Last kiss~ too long to remember--how pitiful, probably a year ago March or so---remember, I'm separated so..
Last meal~ Bennigans with my little guy---smothered chicken, baked potato and broccoli
Last website visited~ Bohemian Girl's and then her big sister's new one
Last movie watched~ Fever Pitch
Last phone call~ My sister at 9:20 returning my earlier call
Last TV Show watched~one of those HGTV shows---House Hunters or something like that

6 Have you evers

Have you ever broken the law~ yes, but only by running a red light when I was 17 outside the Dairy Queen---a very tricky intersection
Have you ever been drunk~ barely. One drink gets me tipsy.
Have you ever kissed someone you didn't know~ never
Have you ever been close to gun fire~ no
Have you ever skinny dipped~ no
Have you ever broken anyones heart~ no, but mine has been.

5 Things

5 things you can hear right now~ central air, refrigerator humming, my fingers typing on the keyboard, little guy snoring in his room, me breathing (I'm a mouth breather)
5 things on your bed~ Right now? ALL THE CLOTHES FROM MY CLOSET, nicely folded---normally, sheet, thermal blanket, Pottery Barn quilt
5 things you ate today~ blueberries, strawberries, scrambled eggs, chicken, cheese stick
5 things you can't live without~ my son, my house, my books, my mom, my God
5 things you do when you get bored~ read blogs, shuffle thru my idea file, channel surf, stare into space, cry

4 places you have been today

home
front yard
beach
Bennigans
Toys R Us

3 things on your desk right now

I work at the dining room table: placemats on which sits my laptop, cordless phone, tissues

2 Choices

Black or White~ black
Hot or Cold~ hot

1 place you want to visit

Santa Fe, New Mexico

2006-06-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

.................................Monday, 6/26/06

I am at work. I am busy, feeling efficient, and yet in the pit of my stomach is this sad sad soulfully sad feeling. This sadness that won't go away.

My husband doesn't love me anymore.

Oh he says he loves me. But he doesn't LOVE me. He doesn't want to kiss me. He will not touch me or hold my hand or even brush up against me. We are like neutral parties. Ships passing in the night.

Who am I kidding? This is a long time in coming. But now that it is all out in the open and he has decided once and for all that he will not be my husband, all that hope that I held onto deep down, it is releasing itself like a long slithery coiled snake...

It wasn't a snake before. It was something positive and holy and hopeful... and now it is uncoiling and turning into something else... Something scary and sad and I don't want it here anymore...

On my I-Tunes I have a Bob Dylan song, I don't know the name of it, but these lines just played:

"...When did our love go bad? Whatever happened to the best friend that I had? Been so long since I held you tight, been so long since we said good night..."

YOU KNOW???????????

I have to let go. Have to let him go. Have to stop feeling sad. Have to STOP.

He made this choice. I did everything I could. I really did.

He would not agree with that statement. In his mind, I would not change for him. He wanted me to change who I am in a way which would have meant not being ME. He wanted me to SHUT UP (in other words, have no opinions, do as he said). He wanted me to be 'nicer' whatever that means... He wanted me to be more stylish (how shallow can a guy be---in the grand scheme of things, makeup and heels make a difference?)

I AM A GOOD WOMAN.
I GAVE HIM THE BEST THIRTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
I WAS HIS BIGGEST SUPPORT.
I SUPPORTED HIM FINANCIALLY A LOT OF THAT TIME TOO.
I WAS THERE FOR HIM LISTENING TO HIS DREAMS AND SCHEMES.
I STOOD BEHIND HIM WHEN HE TRIED TO REACH THEM.
I PUT MYSELF SECOND, IF I PUT MYSELF AT ALL ON THE TOTEM POLE.
I GAVE HIM HIS BEAUTIFUL SON.
I GAVE HIM MY FAMILY.
I GAVE HIM MY HEART.
I GAVE HIM MY SOUL.
I GAVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

And he rejected it. Rejects it everyday.

I have to let him go. He doesn't deserve me.

2006-06-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

................................Saturday, 6/24/06

My husband bought a motorcycle today.

And you may be thinking... "AND?"

Like, "OK, so what?"

The reason I am even writing this post is because I need to get it off my chest, "it" being the feelings that are haunting me at the moment.

See, my husband left me a year ago. Well, a year and a month ago. I have been paying the mortgage and the utilities and the child care and the miscellaneous bills surrounding the upkeep of this house (exterminator, furnace guy, etc)... all that time. I worked full time all that time.

What was my husband doing? He was doing the occasional job in his field and the rest of the time he was 'doing' real estate. For those of you familiar with the real estate field, you know that this doesn't necessarily mean he was a. bringing in any money or b. working 40 hours a week.

So... for the majority of the time he's been away, he's been doing real estate and not bringing in a heck of a lot of dough. He's been giving me money every month consistently, but he has COMPLAINED about it the whole time. I didn't ask for a certain amount, he started giving me a certain amount, then at one point, he wrangled me somehow to agree to take $100 less...

So I do that. And he still complains. Complains that what he's giving me is 'WAY MORE' than he'd have to if a lawyer told us what he should give me, complains that he doesn't make enough to give me as much as he does, complains that I make more than him (I work more than him, but that's beside the point I guess)... He even goes so far as to call his money to me each month "subsidizing" me... and it's a share of the mortgage and all this crap, when truthfully what he gives me doesn't even cover HALF what I pay for child care, and from what I recall a lawyer told me early on in a free consultation I went to, he'd be responsible for child support AND half of the child care. SO...

Anyway, sometimes I feel sorry for him because he doesn't make much. But then I have to remind myself that he barely did anything from May 05 to April 06. It was in April 06 that he FINALLY took a full time job in his trade. So finally he is bringing in a solid paycheck. Is it as much as mine? Well, no, no it's not. But so???

If it's any consolation, I have more and bigger bills to pay. AND I have the child. AND I have the dog...

Anyway. He was complaining that in addition to the 'too high' child support he was paying, he complained about his $200 car payment and how I don't have a car payment. He has a car payment because during his time away, he decided to trade in his PAID IN FULL Saab for an INFINITI for which not only did he have to take $4500 out of savings as a down payment, he had to sign on for said loan... HIS CHOICE.

So he was mulling over the idea of selling the Infiniti. To save $200 a month.

I thought this was him finally seeing the light. THEN he decided he wouldn't sell it, but would trade it in, hopefully for something for which he wouldn't have to get another loan.

He did find something. He had to pay out $1000, but the loan is gone. Wonderful right? An extra $200 in his pocket every month..

He was going to pick up the car today and he says to me, I saw a motorcycle I like too, I'm thinking of getting it.

AND HE DID.

And get this. The motorcycle was over 6 grand. SIX GRAND. So I said how the heck are you paying for this? And he said he took out a loan.

A LOAN.

He has to take some money out of savings but then he'll only "Only" have a $100 payment. For the next four years.

He sat there and rationalized how he didn't want to sell the Infiniti but he had to and he was going to miss it, so this motorcycle makes him feel good. And it's only $100 a month. And if he was going to rent a motorcycle now and then like he originally planned, it would be so expensive.

I'm amazed. I sit here and I can't believe it. I mean, he can do what he wants. OBVIOUSLY.

But it is making me sad. I am counting pennies. There are things I'd love to do like buy a new mattress or a bench for the yard. I am trying to keep my credit cards down, paid in full. I want to try to save. I have ALL THESE GOD DAMN bills and this horrendous mortgage and the money I put out that's related to my son...

And he gets a new (used) car AND a motorcyle today. And lives to tell the tale.

There's something wrong with this picture.

2006-06-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

........................Thursday, June 22, 2006...................

I have not posted in a long while. I guess I'm just too drained. Either that or it's because I just don't want to sit still and THINK about my life any more than I have to.

Oddly, things have been peaceful of late. I am not flying off the handle, I've been calm with the little guy, and there have been no heated arguments or discussions with DH...

He comes. And goes. He takes the little guy out for a few hours. We are like ships in the night. I reach out and he rarely responds. We did go out to eat twice (with the little guy) but anything else, no. I've invited him for dinner. I've suggested going to things (a fair, etc) with the little guy. No. He said "I thought we were supposed to be getting used to being apart".

Getting used to. After a year living apart?

He is receding. I can feel it. Like the tide pulling out. He is taking himself beyond reach from me. WHY????????????????????????????????????????????????????

He said in therapy last night (we are still going but I doubt for very much longer---she did even ask us what our intentions were, if we were to continue coming, why did we want to?) again something about it not being about me. That it was HIM. All those rabid months last summer when he berated me and blamed me and told me it was all my fault... Now he is saying it was not. That it isn't. That it is HIM.

So I said to the therapist, okay then if that is the truth, how come we have to break up? Things happen in the course of a marriage, how come we can't just ride this wave for a while? And she said that some marriages can handle that, but that sometimes people who need to do whatever it is they need to do, need to do it outside of the marriage, that no support from a loving partner is enough, they need to go.

Oh.

Apparently the case here. He wants a new life. He feels guilty. He is in pain over it. He knows there are at least 20 people who thinks he's an ass for wanting out. But still the need, the desire, the quest to have this new life is strong enough to go against all that. To be away from his son. To HURT ME the way he has/is...

Maybe I should be in awe of his steadfastness. I know I couldn't do it.

On a side note, my parents are ALSO getting divorced.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT??????

I'm not supposed to know this, that they have come to this decision definitively. But I am enmeshed enough in the turmoil that my mother told me but said she wasn't supposed to because she and he are supposed to tell the three of us together.

BOY THAT WILL BE FUN.

Supposedly some time next month.

I think maybe I should start taking my Lexapro again. Just to be proactive...

2006-06-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

.....................................Friday 6/2/06

JUNE!!! It is June!!!

We have been away this week. In ORLANDO, FLORIDA. And we had fun...

It was a business trip (for me). But every day we were there, we were able to head out to one of the Disney parks and spend a few hours walking around. BOY, did we walk.

My little guy, who is 3, seemed to really enjoy himself. People keep telling me he won't remember this trip, which is kind of sad and I'm not believing it, even though it might be true.

You should have seen his face when we were headed on the ferryboat across the lagoon to the Magic Kingdom... It was sheer joy! So adorable!

Disneyworld is kind of surreal. Far too many people----sweaty people, cranky children, high-priced beverages, too many things to B-U-Y... But we were good. We hardly bought anything at all. I did get him a t-shirt. A magnet. And I saved the Mickey Mouse soap and little shampoo bottle from the hotel :-)

There are three pics of me and the little guy with Mickey Mouse available on line to view with this thing called PhotPass... You know how you see those photos sometimes of people and they're wearing a light colored bra under a dark colored shirt, and it shows in the pics? Well, in my case it was beige under burgundy. DUH.

WHO KNEW?

Jesus. Now who wants to share THOSE pics????

I wonder if my sister can Photoshop the obvious bra-lines... SCARY.

Tonight during our night prayers, we thanked God for our two safe airplane trips. I am so afraid to fly, but not so afraid that I don't do it. It is the take-off that totally freaks me out... to tears, actually...

We flew JetBlue which is the way to go if you have kids with you. The little TV's (one per person) are THE BOMB. I think my little guy thinks he's sitting on the couch watching his shows, when in fact he is sitting in a chair at 39000 feet watching his shows!!

I had my VERY FIRST comment posted to this blog while I was away! HOW COOL IS THAT???

And while I was away, there was a post on the SuperHero blog that Andrea is 3 months pregnant!!! I am so excited for her!!! I had emailed her directly when she had written about her infertility journey and we had gone back and forth a few times talking about that whole thing----so it is so wonderfully gratifying to hear that she is in fact pregnant.

2006-05-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

....................................Friday 5/26/06

Today is Grandma Lacerenza's birthday.

She died at the age of 97 in 1985. Which was 21 years ago. That would make her 118 years old!

I wish I had a picture of her I could publish here. I don't have any digital pics of her, naturally, since she died in '85. I suppose I could scan one. I have to see if one of my sisters could do that for me.

2006-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

.................................Monday 5/22/06

I posted a photo below! WHOOPIE!!! Now I'm going to post my all-time favorite pic of the Spring so far.

2006-05-22T04:15:00.000-07:00

.................................Monday 5/22/06

HELLO AUNT NETTIE!!! Happy Birthday Uncle Pete! ..And Jacquie at work!

Today I was supposed to go in to the office. But I had already tossed around an idea with my mom to work from home and then, in the middle of the day, drive down with her and the little man, and go see Uncle Pete for his birthday. Then I thought better of the idea, because I'm lazy. But when I said I was going to go into the office, she said "Oh! I thought we were going to see Uncle Pete", and looked disappointed... so I changed my mind again.

Uncle Pete is my great-uncle. He is her mother's older brother. Or no, wait, younger brother.

There were six children: Nellie (Carmella), Joseph, Lucy, Peter, Angelina and the baby, Nettie.
Nettie the baby is now 83 years old. She and Uncle Pete are the last of the siblings... Lucy was my grandmother, who died in 1965.

So Uncle Pete and Aunt Angie and Aunt Nettie and Uncle Joe are the aunts and uncles of my youth. Aunt Angie lived in Virginia with her family, but she traveled up to see the family maybe every year... She was a sweet novelty to all of us, with her little southern accent, her homemade (it appeared) cotton shifts... She was tiny. And she loved her mother---even though she had moved away so far that she didn't see her everyday like Joe (who lived with Grandma), Pete (who lived upstairs) and Nettie (who lived on the next block) did...

Uncle Joe was my favorite. He was my godfather. I was very close to Grandma, and thus I think became very close to Uncle Joe. I was eight years old the first time I slept overnight at Grandma's. Uncle Joe had to work overtime on a Saturday and I was recruited to spend the Friday night there so that Grandma would have company the next morning... Uncle Joe gave me 2 quarters in a teeny-tiny manila envelope as my 'pay'.

Oh Grandma... She would have been about 88 then. She was always old to me. Always white-haired, shuffling walk, toothless grin... But in my younger days, she did more. She would braid my hair. She would bake cakes (or bread!) with me. She would walk around the yard. She would crochet doilies..

But eventually her eyesight failed more, she started using a cane, and she spent more time lying on the couch or sitting in the window than anything. She stopped coming down into the yard when I was in high school. And we lost her, finally, at the ripe old age of 97, on a Sunday with many of her family around her at home. She didn't get sick, she never had to go to the hospital, she just died in her own house... (I was not at home---I wasn't even in town. But that's a story for another day).

I was 18 when she died. I mourned her... I still mourn her. But there was a time when I thought I would die of the grief. I had never lost someone I loved, she was the first. I always knew she would be. But I didn't know how to handle it and I was far from home so missing her for death was coupled with missing her for distance, and sometimes it didn't seem real that she was really gone...

I was 24 when Uncle Joe died. He and I had gotten closer again after I came back home 3 years before that. I was working at a distance from home and commuted every day with my Mom, Dad, and sister. But on Saturdays, I was usually on my own. Somehow, it was suggested I kick back in town on Fridays, to avoid the traffic, save time/gas, all that jazz. So on Friday afternoons after work, I'd hit the library (or not) and then head to Uncle Joe's where he'd be waiting with a simple dinner and conversation... There were many weeks when it seemed to me that he looked forward to my visits. He told me stories about growing up and it sometimes felt like he was holding his breath all day til I showed up and then he could spill the story out. I was company for him. And someone who didn't already know the stories.

After dinner, we would watch TV. He usually fell asleep on the couch. We watched re-runs... In the morning, I'd get ready for work and smell the scent of breakfast cooking. He always made me eggs sunny-side-up... not sure why! In the winter, he'd have already gone outside to scrape the ice off my windows.

He was a dear dear man. He died like Grandma did, in the house... only no one was around. Aunt Nettie and Aunt Theresa found him lying on his bed, in the morning, getting dressed for Mass.

This death now, this one I thought I would really never recover from. Grandma had been our china doll, but Uncle Joe, he was like a rock. A solid force, someone to depend on. And when he was gone, I had lost that time with him and I felt cheated, because I had only started spending so much time with him and I wanted that to last. He was 76 when he died. That seemed wrong. I wanted him to live a long life like Grandma had. I wanted him to be with us forever.

I was angry with God for a long time for taking Uncle Joe away from me. I was very lonely in those days, and I took the loss hard. I used to visit the cemetery all the time...

Aunt Nettie took Uncle Joe's death hard as well. Even though she had already faced the death of her father (when she was only in her early 20's), three of her older sisters, and her mother, it was Uncle Joe, I think, that did her in for a time. She had been very close to him, as he lived with Grandma and she cared for Grandma during the day. The two of them spent a lot of time together, and after Grandma died, Aunt Nettie still went over there every day, now to keep company with Uncle Joe.

Uncle Pete's health seemed to mock (in my mind) the loss of his siblings. Even though I knew Uncle Joe was older, I couldn't reconcile the fact that we had lost him first... And that Uncle Pete, though grey-haired and in his 70's too, seemed so robust and unchangeable...

Uncle Pete lived upstairs from Grandma and Uncle Joe, in his apartment with Aunt Theresa. They had two sons---one, Frankie, who married and moved away, and the other, Peter, who was the oldest, but who had been born disabled and blind and who lived in a home for many years. He died sometime in the early 70's, which means I was alive, but I don't have any recollection of him at all save from pictures and home movies.

Uncle Pete and Uncle Joe had both fought in World War II. Uncle Pete was in the army and Uncle Joe in the Navy. Uncle Pete had been a prisoner of war in Germany. I had heard stories of how the family didn't know he was dead or alive for the longest time, how Grandma had cried and banged her head on the wall. I can imagine her surrounded my her daughters, all worrying... Of course, in my head, this is all in black-and-white, like the pictures from that time are, the ones that were in the cardboard box in the closet that Grandma used to let me pore over on quiet afternoons.

Uncle Pete was fine up until the Spring of 2004. I have pictures of him from President's Day that year, the last time I saw him before it all happened---he looks like he always did, big toothy grin, laughing eyes, white hair... A few months later, he went in for cardiac surgery and suffered a stroke. He has had set-backs ever since, and has never come home for more than an overnight. He now lives in a nursing home up the road from Grandma's house, and Aunt Theresa goes there every day. Every day for 2 years.

As time passes, he starts to look frailer, more like an aged person to me. His skin has lost its eleasticity, he's gained some weight, he's in a wheelchair, he doesn't really smile much and barely talks. But his eyes still shine sometimes.

He seems to enjoy when I bring the little man with me.

Aunt Nettie is in her early 80's. She has been battling a form of leukemia for the last 2 years or so. The treatment has made her lose weight. It also made her lose her hair for a while. She is now about 90 lbs...! And her trademark red hair (dyed) has lost some of its vibrancy. But she shuffles on! When I see her now, I see Grandma... in her face. It's uncanny really because Aunt Nettie never resembled Grandma in my mind in her younger days. But now, that she is aging, if you look hard enough, you see Grandma's eyes.

Aunt Nettie lives in Uncle Joe's old apartment, with Uncle Mike. She has a room full of angels. Her refrigerator was epic in its covering of magnets and photos but when she got a new one recently, she didn't put anything back. When I am over there and I catch the refrigerator doors out the corner of my eye, it shocks me, the blankness of them...

Aunt Nettie is like a grandmother to us. Like a mother to my Mom, who lost her mother so many years ago. And like the grandmother we never had to my sisters and me. We don't see her as often as we should---and although some of us call her regularly, it is hard to hold a conversation because she can barely hear us and has never gotten a hearing aid to fix that. But she is THERE. In that house. In Grandma's house. She is Aunt Nettie.

I don't know how any of us will recover when she goes.

I only see Aunt Nettie about once a month. I like to bring the little man with me when I can because I know that she will not be here forever and I want him to remember her a little. I want to know that when he sees a picture of her, he will be able to say "That's Aunt Nettie" and will have some inkling, some recollection, of her, of who she was and how she loved him.

I have too many memories of people who I never knew except for those pictures in that cardboard box in the closet. I hope that Aunt Nettie and Uncle Pete will be with us a few more years. Maybe that is selfish---I don't want those years to be painful for them! But I don't want to let them go yet...

When Grandma died, she was our matriarch and it changed things. And then Uncle Joe---things were never the same. But we swirled around and reconfigured and it was okay, as okay as it could have been. But I know things will really change when we lose Uncle Pete and Aunt Nettie.

The house will go---be sold for sure. Aunt Theresa and Uncle Mike will move away, probably closer to their children.

And the family, that family, those six children, will all be in our memories.

I don't want to think about it too hard because it scares me to imagine...

2006-05-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

.................................Tuesday 5/16/06

Pouring Rain. Again

It has been raining for over a week now. We had peeks of sun (so wonderful to see!) on Saturday, but the temps have stayed below 60 and the cloud cover has been relentless at best.
Today I woke up to hear teeming rain on the roof---which is wonderfully cozy, for the most part, but after so many days of this, it has become a bother. There are so many things we need to do (and want to do) outdoors---like just playing outside with the little man---and we have had to forgo that for so long. But then I guess that it will be wonderful when we do finally get out there.

My horoscope this morning was written for me:

On Neutral Ground Virgo Daily Horoscope
You may feel defiant today and hold fast to your convictions. You may struggle to convince others of the validity of your beliefs, or you may feel that others are trying to force you to their way of thinking. It may be helpful to adopt a neutral mind-set in all of your interactions with others and focus on releasing the temptation to engage in conflict.

Rather than trying to convince others about your beliefs today, try letting go of the need to assert your will and allow the situation to be what it is. Likewise, if you feel that others are trying to influence you, simply step back from the situation and refuse to be pulled into conflict.

While mastering this type of mind-set can be challenging, it can also be rewarding because it will give you a greater sense of control over your moods. Choosing to foster a mind-set of neutral detachment allows us to remain relaxed and calm. While it can be tempting to engage in a battle of wills with those who have differing opinions and beliefs, we can choose to see such conflicts as counterproductive.

If we can instead learn to detach from a struggle and focus on staying centered and calm, we can navigate tense situations without becoming overwhelmed by them. We are then able to find neutral ground and interact with others in more productive ways. By detaching from your emotional responses and avoiding conflict today, you can turn every interaction into a beneficial one.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a very apropos horoscope as tonight I am having dinner with DH, with the sole purpose of ironing out some of the details of the coming legal enterprises. He wants to 'do-it-yourself' which may be a mistake, but I'm not sure for whom, him or me. We started to talk about things last night (we have no self control) and there were the inevitable conflicts and he used the phrase "raked over the coals" again, which I really really hate.

Why can't we be civil? I mean, we are civil, but more than some people might be in this situation. I read a book over the weekend that mentioned something called "negative intimacy" and I think that it's what we are mired in----we respond in the same ways, he pushes buttons, all to keep the negative intimacy going. Maybe it is an unconscious effort to hang on to each other, even if it is in this awful way...

I have to HAVE TO behave tonight. I have to read over the horoscope and commit to it. I have to believe that all will be well. It's amazing how terribly hard it is for me to do this. Even when I go in with that intention, I fail.

It is 9:45 a.m. I am still in my pajamas. My hair is a MESS. The little man is in his PJs too.. and is walking around in my shoes. The dog is on the screen porch. I let him out, poor guy, in the storm to do his business and I could see him out there running around the fruit trees, getting soaked but apparently enjoying himself. So I'm letting him relax and dry himself out on the porch.

I need to get some things on paper for tonight's discussion. So I have things to do. Many things to ponder...

2006-05-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

..................................Friday 5/12/06

It is May.

Actually, it is already May 12. Nearly half the month gone.

I was concerned about May approaching. Simply stated, because May, coming to May, would mean that I had lived alone for a whole year. 365 days.

And so May has come. And what do I know any different about my life than I did before?

Well, as of May 1, I knew nothing new really. I mean, I suppose I do but I'd have to sit with my thoughts long enough to ponder and elicit what thoughts I have. And who has time for that? Not me of course.

At our therapist's session this past Wednesday, it all came to a head. I was sitting there crying, showing my sorry self as waiting for the miracle, the lightning zing, the change of heart---and she (the therapist) said she remembered DH saying outright he did not want to come back.

I guess I missed that.

So now it all begins. The discussions. The decisions. The moving towards The End.

Just what I hoped would not happen has happened. A decision has been made. He does not want to be married to me. He does not want this marriage.

A chapter of my life has ended. Again.

I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for 10 years.

2006-04-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Easter Sunday 2006

I haven't posted in a while. Too busy working, taking care of the boy, and all the other things that make up my life... plus reading OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS... Boy I do love doing that! There are so many creative, articulate, inspiring people out there. It's amazing and very fulfilling, in a weird sort of way, to read the posts... But I do need to start making time to write my own. Just to keep some sort of record of this crazy life of mine.

Tonight marks the end of the Triduum 2006. OH! It was lovely, so lovely! I was intent on taking part in all the services at my parish, and I managed to do so---Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and last night, the Holy Saturday vigil. In all: SIX amazing hours of song and scripture and community and prayer...

I am truly blessed in having found this parish. I love it! I LOVE IT!!!

That is what I said to sweet little Mary as we stood in the aisle after the 2.5 hour vigil service, facing the back of the church like everyone else, looking up at the choir as they sang Handel's Messiah as their 'Easter surprise gift' to us... As their beautiful soaring voices and the organ reached the crescendo, I just felt my heart swell with love and happiness. And as they ended and we all burst into applause for about the 12th time that night, I leaned over to Mary and whispered into her ear "I love this church!!!"

During the homily last night, Father Tom said "I want to share something with you. Listen to this---this is a person in love" And over the speakers comes this strangely familiar song---a cover of what turned out to be an old 50's love song... As soon as the singer got to the 2nd line, I recognized what song it was, and I started to cry...As usual!!! Father Tom can always manage to make me cry during his homilies...

Anyhoo, I will have to find out what song it was and get the lyrics. Needless to say, he was playing that song for us to hear these words as if coming from God... who loves us unconditionally...

I can continue to gush but suffice it to say, the Triduum was a perfect moment in time for me. And it surely redeemed all those years I missed it, after the Villa stopped hosting the Triduum weekend... I had missed the ritual, the incense, the Tantum Ergo, the veneration of the cross, the Exultet, the Easter lilies in profusion... And I got it all back.

Thank you Lord!

Drove home (as I did all three days) in bliss... and pulling into our driveway, I caught a glimpse of silver white in the trees, 1/2 way up... I thought, wait a minute, is that... can it be? And I pulled back out and drove up the dark road trying to catch a glimpse, laughing at myself thinking how foolish I will feel if what I think I saw was only a light from someone's house... But no, it was the MOON. Full and bright, low on the horizon at so late an hour (almost 10:30 p.m.)... So I drove up Honeysuckle, which is a hill---a deer crossed my path! I got to the top of the cul-de-sac and turned around and as I slowly made my way back down the hill, there it was----serene and glorious! Like a love letter to me from God...

On the homefront: well. Today hosted my parents and one of my sisters and her husband for a simple dinner. I made leg of lamb (very easy---seasoned, garlic slivers, roast for 2 hours in a big pan)... because my Dad had been complaining that no one ever makes him leg of lamb---and it was on sale this week for 1.99 a lb.), baked potatoes, string beans and macaroni with gravy. I had bought sausage bread from the bakery and I heated that up. That was good. DH came early with an Easter basket for the little man. I had made him one too. Inside was a note from the Easter Bunny telling him that because he was such a very good boy this year, he was going to get TWO easter baskets, one now and one later.

The note also explained that the Easter Bunny had heard that the little boy wanted to start using the potty, so "Go look over at your blue chair" where you will find some things for that. On the blue chair I had put a package of new pull-ups, 2 pks of little boy's underwear (SO CUTE!) , a pump container of "Kando" foaming soap with the little frog on it, and a tupperware container with 2 bags of jelly beans in it. The little man knew EXACTLY what the jellybeans were for because I had been prepping him for weeks that the Easter Bunny was going to leave him some so that he could have one every time he used the potty.

He was so excited, he let me take his PJs off (a feat!), put a pull up on him, and then one of the new pairs of underwear, and then we ran to the bathroom to try out the potty and have a jelly bean.

It was quite exciting---while it lasted. We went to the potty at least 4 times before DH came over. Once he did, the little man was too busy and so I put a diaper on him at that point. This was only day 1. We have the whole summer...!

I put a basket of plastic eggs on the porch so that when DH came, he would hide them outside. Which he did. So we went out there and had an egg hunt. The eggs were empty because I just got too busy to fill them, but the little man didn't mind one bit. He just ran around like a lunatic picking them all up, all excited.

Being three years old rocks!

DH was planning to go to his brother's for Easter. He said they had asked if he would bring the little man. I had commented, I guess they didn't invite me and he said, no they did. But I didn't invite you. Emphasis on "I"... I didn't say anything. What could I say? I could have argued or cried or commented, but I just said nothing. It did make me sad more than mad though. Why would he say that? And feel that way?

In any event, he said this to me BEFORE he decided to come to my family's Palm Sunday dinner. So it was really weird to me that he stuck to the 'not inviting' me thingy.. but I guess in the end, his coming to Palm Sunday was an experiment... He wanted to see how he felt around my family. But he had no interest in trying me out at his---I guess because he already got that vibe from when I was with them at the hospital last month...

Who knows. We did end up arguing about it yesterday. He said he didn't invite me because he knew I didn't want to go. I said that was a rationalization. He said well you didn't say anything when I told you that---you didn't say you wanted to be invited.

See? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I keep my mouth shut, and it's MY fault I'm not invited. I open my mouth, and I'm told to keep it shut.

Apparently he told one of his sisters I wasn't coming and to tell the rest... I don't know WHY that family insists on communicating in that way. It never goes over well... Anyway, so then his brother calls the house this morning and asks me if I'm coming. Which I found highly awkward. Because of course I had to say no but I had no excuse why. It was NOT because my parents were coming over. The only reason they were was BECAUSE I wasn't invited to my in-laws. So DH got mad that he called and said maybe he wouldn't even go, he can't stand how they meddle.

But I guess he did go and it went okay. I called him to ask around 8. Don't ask me why. I should just really leave him alone but I can't help it. I feel bad for him. No matter how mean and cruel he is to me, I love him and I can see where alot of what he does and says comes out of his insecurity and confusion.

He is soooo tormented. I saw that when he was angry about his brother's call. He didn't want to go there, he didn't want to be here. He was like a man without a country. I shouldn't have felt bad maybe but I did. And when he was leaving I said I wish you would stay. And he just gave me a tormented look and left.

Compare and contrast to YESTERDAY when he was here and nice enough to finally put the porch door up AND my closet door.... but spent the rest of the time basically mocking me and trying to get a rise out of me with his comments about my "easter party" and doing stuff up for my family but not for him---which was so untrue and unwarranted, but is the kind of things he would think and say. It was yesterday that he said something about us being 'through' and I said so why are you here then? And he said "Well I don't hate you. I just don't like you".

I don't hate you. I just don't like you.

THANKS BUD.

Who would ever expect their husband of nearly 8 years, their best friend and lover of nearly 13, tell them I don't like you...

But this man, he has said this to me at least, oh I don't know, maybe 28 times since last year...

I don't like you.
You're not what I want.
You won't change for me.

It's unnerving. You break your heart trying to find who you are in life, trying to be true to yourself, be your own person, that person with both gifts and flaws, and then someone in whom you put all your love and trust FOR YEARS tells you they don't like who you are...

...and it's funny. You know, you're not a drug addict or an alcoholic or a nympho... You're not a slob or obese, you are fairly well-groomed, articulate, responsible. You can be funny on occasion, can be creative on occasion. So you're a little too anxious and controlling. And you have a temper when provoked. You also cry at sad movies, like little kids, enjoy ice cream in the summertime. And the bonus: you love this man enough to take him foibles and all, to want him BACK... IF ONLY he could love you again.

That's the clincher. I couldn't take him back for the little man's sake, or for financial security (what security?) or so I woudn't be alone... that would be settling. Because HE DOESN'T WANT ME. And that does not a marriage make.

But if he did want me---if he did love me enough... I would continue waiting for him, like I have been.

I keep waiting for the lightning strike that will spin him around and make him realize... but I'm beginning to think that will never come. He is meant to leave me. He wants to...

Who would have thought?

2006-03-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

I saw these lyrics on another blog (Jen Gray's) and I resonated with them so much... I had to copy them here so that I could remember them. I think James Taylor was writing for me...

Like everyone she knows, she's holding out for true love, waiting on an answer
ready for change; And everywhere she goes, she's just a little bit on the lookout...
A day might mean tomorrow, questions still remain.
It's not that she's so sad, she always was a happy soul.
But lately she gets to wonder to herself, what's the good of going on anymore?

I see her in her room, sitting at the window, wondering if she's pretty, feeling just a little small tonight...

Hold tight to your heart's desire, never ever let it go. Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon. Tend to your fire, lay low and be strong. Wait it out, wait it out, wait it on out. Wait it out, let it come along, oh, wait awhile, wait awhile... JT

I especially like the "tend to your fire, lay low and be strong" line... Why do I make it oh so very hard for myself? I know what to do...

2006-03-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. Just been too tired and such. I will definitely catch up tomorrow. For now, I want to go make myself a cup of tea... say my Vespers... get ready for Friday...

Good night.

2006-02-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

Oh my God, I thought this day would NEVER end...! It started out okay. The boy (who had fallen asleep, believe it or not, at 6 p.m. Sat night and slept thru the night, even through me changing him into PJ's and into a new diaper) woke at 6:30 asking for an ice cream cone. "Rella", he said "which is white"... I didn't get him an ice cream cone (he makes far too many crumbs) but I let him watch TV while I jumped in the shower, and then I gave him his bath... This was all before 8 a.m. which is unusual for us, but I decided to jump on it.

At 8:15 my sister called and asked if she could come over to see the boy before we left for church. This was highly unusual but I said sure, why not. So she came over with munchkins and played with the boy for about 2 hours... And during that time I got dressed and watched the first 45 minutes of "The Turning Point" which I always wanted to see, and now need to see it again so I can watch the middle and ending...

We went to church and parked and I was going around to get the boy out of the truck when he said he didn't want to go to church. Nothing I could come up with could convince him and I should have sensed the foreboding... I said OK then, I'll leave you, and I walked away from the car (with the door hanging open) and stood away for a few minutes to see what he would do. And do you know that little shit leaned out of the car to check out, presumedly, if I had really left or not? So I went back and tried to get him out again, and it wasn't working until finally I said, let's go check out the park and then we'll go into church. And he said OK, and got out of the truck.

Now this park-checking-out was a lie, and I guess you shouldn't lie on the way into church. Perhaps the ensuing drama was my punishment. He was okay initially. Our ladies didn't sit behind us, unfortunately. He drank his water, ate his lollipop, read his book. Then he got hold of my offertory envelope and proceeded to fold and squash it up into a tiny little origami shape, watching me with those big brown eyes to see what I was going to do. I guess? Then he got his little truck that he tricked me into bringing and he began banging it on the pew. THEN he got the toothbrush out of the diaper bag (the one still in the package that he was going to give his friend at Gymboree "for Christmas") and he began HITTING ME WITH IT. Now I don't know WHY or WHEREFORE the hitting commenced, but I was not going to sit there while he hit me with a tootbrush in full view of 200+ church-goers, so I stood up and walked him to the back of the church... He walked in circles around my legs about 17 times while we were back there and then I kneeled down for the Eucharist prayer---I thought he was going to kneel down in front of me (sucker) and then it seemed like he was going to sit in front of me (naive)... no, he decided to LIE down in front of me, on the dirty ass lobby floor... and every time I sat him up, he laid back down! I was getting more and more annoyed and I couldn't believe he could be so stubborn. Eventually, it was almost time for Communion so I told him we were going back to our seat. Which we did...

And then at the point where I usually reach down to put his shoes back on (I take his shoes off during Mass because I hold him during a lot of it and sometimes I inadvertently get kicked and I hate that)... and he wouldn't let me put them on. When I say he wouldn't let me, I mean he did everything he could to prevent me from doing so. This was doing what is essentially the most solemn part of the Mass, when everyone up front is getting ready to distribute communion, and everyone else is in a prayerful mode waiting to head up front... and my son is making noises like some retarded child or autistic... Stretching out on my lap, letting his head hang back, making strange noises... I gave up on the shoes and stood him to walk down the aisle like that, and he started carrying on... And at that point I lost it.. I picked him up under his arms and walked swiftly out to the side door and put him down there.

And then I started to cry. I don't know why I cried. I guess it was just pent-up emotion. Embarassment. Anger. Lack of control. And he's just sitting there watching me, responding to my inquiries with "I don't want to go to Communion". "I want to go home". I said we can't go home now, all our stuff is in the seat. And we just stood there in that vestibule, a little 3 year old hell-bent on testing out his independence, and a nearly 40 year old woman weeping because she can't control a child in her care...

We went back to our seat finally... and sang the last hymn and then I had a lightbulb moment. I walked (with the boy) out to the back where Father was saying goodbye to everyone and he was shutting the doors (we were the last ones out) and I said "Can I ask you a favor? Can you give me Communion? I missed it because he was acting up". And he said certainly. And walked us back up the aisle to the altar and gave me Communion and then blessed the two of us...

I love that priest.

As we were walking out of church, the boy said "We had a lot of fun in church today". Now mind you, he says this EVERY WEEK, but this time I replied "You did huh? Well Mommy didn't have much fun".

Now if he were older, I would have headed home and made him go to his room or something. He deserved a punishment. But he's three, you know, and the rest of the day would just be he and I and I figured, if I go home, the only person who's going to be punished is ME... so even though he didn't deserve it one iota, we went to the diner, and I got him blueberry pancakes and his precious BACON and a milkshake ("rella") and I got an omelet and hot tea. And we had breakfast and all was fine.

And then we got home and it was relatively warm out so I let him play outside for a while.

Later in the day he acted up again and was hitting me but this time I kept catching his arm before it made contact and said "Stop hitting"... but he kept doing it... And you know what pisses me off the most??? I don't know how to reach him. When he is being bad like that, testing me, I don't know what to do to really have an effect. I sat him down on the couch and held his arms and he just laughs. I don't know why he thinks it's a game but unfortunately he does and no amount of reasoning or raising of my voice seems to reach him until he's good and ready to settle down.

It is wearing me down I can tell you that.

It's amazing really that yesterday went so well. But that's probably because he fell asleep so early.

I hope tomorrow is better. Of course, I am going into the office tomorrow and then I have therapy in the evening. So I'm barely going to spend any time with him... I think I'll try to get home early I guess. But I know me, even if I do that, I'll hide out while my mom is here in charge...

I guess I'll think ahead and hope Tuesday is better then...

2006-01-30T05:47:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to sleep when the boy did at around 8 and slept all the way til 1... at which point I awoke long enough to go shut off the lights outside and in the living room, check the alarm and brush my teeth. Then I went back to sleep, waking again at 6, just long enough to go shut the alarm and put on a light for my mother... Exhausted. Blessed sleep. It is good to sleep for so many hours at a stretch... so many hours, no baby crying and waking you up. It's amazing how it is when a baby is so young. I never realized it would be so bad. It does end...

And now he is a little boy. A little boy with the ability to articulate, to some degree, his opinions and observations about what's going on around him, what he can figure out and understand, what he sees...

He is so cute and wonderful and special. When he is sleeping, I look at his little face and can't believe I made him!!!

Yesterday we went to Mass. He acted up during the sermon and I had to walk to the back with him and he ran around me in big circles about 12 times... excess energy?? We went back to our seat and he was fairly good the rest of the way. The challenging thing is that Mass is so long at my parish! We got out of church, once we had put our coats on and gathered up our stuff, at 12:30! Mass started at 11... See, if I chose to go to another parish, maybe it would be shorter---actually I'm sure it would be shorter. Maybe that would be better for him, at this age. I don't know. Actually, he seems perfectly fine with it, it's me who needs to have more patience with him I guess.

In any event, he recognizes that church as his church, he can point it out when we drive by in that direction, and whenever we leave, he always says "We had a good time at church". SO! I shouldn't be complaining, ha ha!

We went to my parents after church for a short visit. My sister and her husband came over, which I wasn't expecting, but my parents were because they were making dinner for them. I would have stayed too (and gotten to see my niece, whom my boy loves) but Daddy was going to visit, supposedly at 3... So we left at 2:30.

I talked to him before we left and then he said it would be 3:30. Maybe between 3:30 and 4. But I left early anyway because I couldn't risk being at my mom's house when my niece came home because the boy would have been impossible to get into the car then.. It was hard enough getting him to leave as it was. (Bribes of popcorn were made!)

When I got home at 3, the boy had fallen asleep in the carseat and outside, it was pouring rain. So I decided to stay put. I pulled a book out of my knapsack and began to read. I figured Daddy would be showing up shortly and he could help me get boy and all our crap into the house... When I finished reading, I checked my watch and it was 4! I had read an hour! (no surprise there). And the boy had slept an hour! (that was a surprise). And Daddy was no where to be found (no surprise there either)...

I called him and he said he would be around in about 15 minutes. The boy woke up and I got him into the house and our stuff and shut the alarm and settled him down with a TV show and straightened up the house and then Daddy called and said he'd be another 15 minutes...

I guess in the end he came between 4 and 4:30... We ordered pizza and we ate, and then they played and I just kept getting more and more tired. I actually dozed off on the couch when they went downstairs but I kept waking up because it is really drafty on that couch in the front room. I was so cold!

So I made hot chocolate and signed onto the Web for a while. And then they came upstairs and they were so rowdy and I told him to get the boy settled down because it was getting close to bedtime. I was tired and wanted to get into my PJs and I felt uncomfortable and not sure of what to do with myself because it was unusual for him to still be over that late and not be in any kind of rush to leave.

I felt guilty though. Guilty that I wanted to rush him out. You can't win with me I guess. When he is booking for the door, I'm pissed at him because he isn't spending more time with the boy. But when he is in no rush to leave, I'm pissed at him for being in my way. I guess. Which just means it's MY problem I guess. When he is in a rush to leave, it's because he has other plans. When he is in no rush to leave, he has nothing better to do... And I guess that bothers me. Well, I know that bothers me. But what a sourpuss huh???

I can't wait to see my therapist this week. I have so much to talk to her about. I hope we don't get the weather they've been predicting. I don't want to have to cancel because of snow...

2006-01-29T04:06:00.000-08:00

7:07 a.m. 4th Sunday of Ordinary Time

I have been up since 1:30 a.m. I slept from 7:30 to 1:30 and have been awake all this time. That is so weird but what are you going to do?

My boy has had some cute things to say, already so early (he awoke at 6:15).

One thing he did ask was what was turkey? I wondered, why is he asking that and I remember, last night at the restaurant, there was a saga about there being no turkey and so no one could order Monte Cristos or club sandwiches... He must have heard and filed it away in his little brain.

He is so adorable.

His suggestion about breakfast, which we are eating just now, was to make toast and then mini-waffles, and make sandwiches. He just said "These are the best waffle toast sandwiches ever". EVER! I agree!

I'm thinking people may think me judgmental or hard on Daddy because of yesterday, leaving while the boy was asleep, not coming back when he found out he was broken-hearted, not calling later to check in on him.. I suppose none of that behavior is so surprising. In fact, it is very much expected---for a MAN. So I will not use the event as any kind of minus against him. I just wonder what he is thinking---when in the grand scheme of things, these things matter...

Today we are hoping to get in a bath and hairwash (for him, not me, I'm all taken care of last night) and then on to Mass... After church, I think we will head to my mom and dad's and hang out for a couple of hours, and then come home to wait out Daddy's early evening visit. I'm not going to cook. Forget THAT. We'll order a pizza. I hope he has cash.

(Regarding cooking: these last two weeks I've been wishing for lasagna. Well, most specifically, my MOTHER'S lasagna, but missing that, I decided to make my own. Now, I've made it before, though not in a long time... this time, I made it with the boy. He helped me dump the pot cheese and sprinkle the mozzarella and throw the seasonings in and press the noodles down in the baking dish. We did this up on Wed night, with my intention of eating it Thursday night with Daddy. (Lasagna is always better the day after being refrigerated...)

So that's what we had. Lasagna and a make-shift garlic bread. The lasagna was not like my mom's. Rather bland in fact. But hey, whatever... OK? It was an effort. And substantial.. Finally at one point, Daddy says it's not that good. I forget how he put it, but something like that. And I said yeh, I know---self-effacing. I'm not going to delude myself. So I say, I don't make good lasagna (comparing myself to my mom, anyway) and he says "What can you do good?" Or "What can you do?" but inferring the good part... I can't remember which he said now.

Now I didn't freak out or storm from the room, as I might have done months before. But I just looked at him and said that comment wasn't necessary. I said, calmly, you know, you could have said the lasagna wasn't good but you always have to go that extra step and say something mean. And he said "It's my nature".

GOOD EXCUSE.

What to make of this man? He doesn't deserve me. Yes, I did hurt him and I neglected him when the boy was an infant... I made mistakes. I could have been calmer. But you know what? Still, I kept functioning. I kept doing. I held this place together, the best I could. He doesn't deserve me..

I still love him. If some magic lightning bolt were to hit him and cause him to start acting like a loving kind supportive accepting man, I think there is still something left in me, deep down, to get over the past and take him back. But without that lightning bolt... Not that he's asking me to take him back. He has never said that. I continually say "Oh just come home" or "Why don't you just come home?" but he has never said that. So I think coming home, at this point, is not on his radar. I have to remind myself about that. So that things like a box of Sarah Bernhardts don't have me thinking crazy thoughts.

Okedoki. I've written long enough today (as I just did Saturday's post). I will sign off for now. And figure out church clothes and run my boy's bath... I love Sundays really. Today is grey and it looks icy cold... Hopefully the winter weather that's been predicted will hold off til AFTER church and Grand visit... Maybe the sun will opt to make an appearance...

2006-01-29T02:57:00.000-08:00

SATURDAY, January 28, 2006 Happy Birthday Crystal!!!

Consider this my Saturday 1/28 post... even though it's happening the next day...

OK, so Saturday. On Saturdays, my lovely boy and I 'do' art... I signed him up for a Gymboree Art class just for the heck of it (50% off because of his gym class enrollment) and we are in what is like our 3rd 'semester'... only the 'semester' is only 6 weeks long... I continue to sign him up because he really does love it. You can tell. He is so ready to get into that little room and get his art on.

The class is made up of about 8-10 little ones, 2-3 years old. They start out with what they call 'free painting'... The teacher has long skinny pieces of paper masking-taped to the walls around the small room and each kid picks one (my boy always picks the same one in the corner---but I'll admit, I steered him to it during the first few classes because I wanted a little breathing room---and now he thinks of it as 'his' I think). Then the teacher goes around and hands each kid a brush, or a roller, or sponges, or whatever. And then next, each kid gets a mini paper cup of paint. They usually end up getting more paint of a different color squirted in there and they get to paint their happy asses off for about 8 minutes.

My boy's free painting usually starts off looking very abstract and classy and I sit beside him and think, ooh, I think this one I can keep and frame... It is so cool. And then as soon as he gets the 2nd color in his cup, instead of adding it to his painting as an accent, or even as just another whole piece of color in his abstract creation, my boy paints over what he's already painted, and then the 3rd color comes, and forget it, by this point the long strip of paper is just one big blog of one color... generally not brown, but still, nothing of any note. But I do make a point of taking the paper down before we leave and bring it home with us, for what purpose I don't know.

After free painting, there is a story, a game perhaps, and then at least 2 or sometimes even 3 crafts. Maybe some more painting, usually some gluing, and at least one craft requires us to put googly eyes on it. All on a theme. Snowflakes, circus, penguins, etc...

We get to go home with the long strip of color, and the different crafts he's made. I put them up around the house. It's as fun as saving his artwork from school, but I don't have to leave him in school to do them, and I get to be with him and watch him do it.

So today we had art and the theme was circus. We came home with a dotted clown's hat and a clown face on a stick that my boy has more than once tonight picked up and come to me singing "Silly Clown, silly clown, turn around, silly clown, silly clown, touch the ground...) SO CUTE!

After art, we went with Daddy to Chuck E Cheese. We went in my car. But before we left, Daddy went to his truck for a minute and when he came back, he handed me a small square box with blue curling ribbon it. A present? I saw that the box was from St. Moritz, a lovely bakery... And the box was filled with... SARAH BERNHARDTS!!!

He got the big box too! Not the small one I get occasioanlly where you get 5... This box had two lovely layers of cookies wrapped in tissue... What was this all about? He said he was in town and he stopped, since he knew I liked them. *WTF?*

(Sarah Bernhardts, by the way, are small cookies...dome shaped, almond-y, that are topped with a truffley-fudgy substance and then dipped in chocolate. So you hold them on the cookie part and you bite into the chocolate, truffley fudgy part. HEAVEN!!! I love Sarah Bernhardts!!! Almond, cookie, truffle perfection. Can't eat just one---but you can't eat more than 2 at one sitting either... And I have a whole BOX of them!! Which I will have to share I suppose...)

I don't know what possessed him to buy the cookies, or why such a big box (it was probably about $15)... I don't want to read too much into it. I mean, C'MON... But if this was, say, June or even August, a lovely box of cookies would have me feeling faintly wistful and ready to pull the wedding album out to peruse... But it's JANUARY. I think he was just trying to be nice.

But regardless, we went to Chuck E Cheese, and instead of retreating into my little capsule of ignoring the teeming crowds of frantic children and ringing games and focus on my stack of catalogs, I decided to change the paradigm... And instead I walked around with Daddy and my boy as they played games. I even played a few. Then we all went to eat our nasty Chuck E Cheese food. And then a few more games.

Sadly, Daddy bought $5 worth of tokens while ordering the food, and I bought $1 at the same time (unbeknownst to him) and then afterwards, he opened up the free sticker they are giving out and learned we had won $5 worth of tokens!! We=losers for not opening the sticker first! We all could have saved money. (We came home with $4 worth of tokens for next time...Cool!)
We played to our hearts' content and my boy ended up with 99 tickets which he exchanged for 1. yellow stretchy lizard, approx 2 inches long 2. one of the cheapest ass race-cars made in the China-Taiwan environs, approx 1 inch long and 3. one tiny plastic plane that sits on an even tinier green cone... He was excited by this! As only a 3 year old can be. Daddy bought him a green Chuck-E-Cheese balloon, which somehow opened in the car and lost all its helium and Daddy blew it back up to gargantuan size, but it no longer floated and has been left in the car...

After C.E.C, we popped over to Stop&Shop so I could buy milk and bread and then we drove home. And my boy fell asleep. So we brought him in and took off his coat and shoes and he slept in his light-filled room... And Daddy decided he would go, since he was only going to stay a short time anyway and now the boy is sleeping so... Can't hang around! And shortly thereafter he left...

When the boy woke up, the first words out of his mouth were "Where's Daddy?" which broke my heart, and then I had to say Daddy left, and that broke his heart, and his eyes welled up with tears and he started to cry. And I held him and tried to soothe him by saying Daddy is going to come back tomorrow to play with you and offered things we could do that afternoon together and everything I said was met with vigorous shaking of the head... As I held him I kept thinking 'this is my life... this is his life... he will meet disappointment... and we are alone..."

I said, finally, when he would not be soothed, "do you want to talk to Daddy?" and he said yes and stopped crying. Now, I knew calling Daddy would be met with some annoyance from him, and maybe even his accusation of being manipulative... but at that point, I wasn't suggesting calling him to be manipulative, I just wanted my boy to feel OK, and I thought maybe if he heard his Daddy's voice telling him he'd be back tomorrow, he would feel OK. And so we called. And Daddy spoke to my boy and it wasn't working. And then I got on the phone and he started yelling at me. And I tried to explain, but he was mad. I said, all he keeps doing is shaking his head... and he yelled at me saying "what does that mean, is he saying yes or no?!" and I yelled back "I said SHAKING his head, not NODDING his head... He's SHAKING his head NO!" And then he said "Well why don't you go outside with him and play or something? Can't you handle this?" And I got more peeved and I said "He will be fine. He just woke up. I thought he'd feel better if he talked to you. He'll be fine".

And then I hung up. And then he called back and apologized for being snappy. But that he felt bad hearing he was upset. And I said "I didn't call you to make you feel bad. But he needed to talk to you". And he reminded me he'd be over again tomorrow, after 3 or so...

But he didn't suggest that maybe he'd come BACK and spend more time with the boy. In all, he spent about 1/2 an hour at Art (since he met us there as is usual, but was late, as is also usual) and then maybe an hour, maybe an hour and a half at CEC... The driving to and fro... The time spent WITH the boy, engaged one on one with him, was minimal when you do the calculations, which I try not to, so as not to minimize his efforts. But still, had I gotten the call saying that he had woken up heart-broken to find me gone, and for another 24 hours yet, I would have suggested maybe I'll come back then and play for another hour or so. But no. He couldn't suggest THAT. He had PLANS. He was going to play pool with his buddy. And then God knows what. And he's allowed to have plans. Of course he is. (We won't go into the fact that I am not allowed the same... I'm the Mommy remember?) But I find it odd and kind of sad, depressing, that he never called the rest of the day to see how the rest of the day turned out for us. Maybe that is expecting too much. But if I had gotten the call and not suggested coming back, I think I might have called later in the evening and just asked how things were going, what did you end up doing, how long did it take til he settled down? I mean, yeh we all know that tantrums simmer down eventually. But still... Some interest? What if he threw a real fit and I ended up in the emergency room? Or whatever... Nothing so dramatic. I just don't understand why he couldn't have found some stray moment during this evening to call (he has a cell) to check in. Am I expecting too much? Apparently. Though I think that is kind of illustrative of the idea that I had when comforting my boy that we are all alone. Because WE ARE.

I suggested 101 different things that my boy and I could do that afternoon. Some of them were fairly different, since it is Winter but warm today... I tried walking on the beach, going to the park, going to see the ducks at the waterfall "we've never done that yet" and many many other ideas that would have been free and gotten us fresh air.. But every idea was met with the vigorous shaking of the head. But then finally he said he wanted to go BOWLING. But he called it 'rolling'... and so OFF WE WENT.

I told him we were going to have a 'date'. We were going to go bowling and then we were going to go to the restaurant at the beach and have dinner together and watch the sunset. And he was quiet and pleased.

So the two of us went bowling. I spent $8 to rent the ugly shoes (note to self: buy your own bowling shoes, since your shoe size doesn't change every six months, and you will save yourself money in the future). Then we were assigned a lane at the other end of the world, right next to three tables set up for birthday parties. But remember, it was just us two. Do you know how fast you can ball 10 frames when you are taking turns with one game? I had originally planned to buy two games, one for each, which would have cost us $10. But I screwed up on the computer set up and ended up with just one frame up there with my boy's name. And I thought: Hey! What a concept! I can get away with one game for $5. And that's what we did. He bowled (roll ball at the slowest possible speed imaginable down lane) and then I bowled and we went thru 10 frames in 1/2 an hour. And then I said, do you want to bowl anymore, hoping he'd say no, but he said yes. So I hit the "New Game" button and thought screw it, I expected $10, so I'll spend $10. And I let him bowl and then after he bowled the one ball he said he was ready to leave!

So I rolled the second ball and then I hit the button that said "ERASE FRAME". And I thought, I DARE them to charge me another $5!! I have a three year old here!

When I got to the cashier to return the ugly shoes, she charged me only $5, yippee!

(By the way, my boy's little feet look so cute in those ugly shoes!)

Then we drove to the beach, and we ate at the diner. I had a broccoli and cheddar omelet and he had one pancake and a side of bacon. And we shared a milkshake and watched the sky turn pink out the windows... And he struck up a conversation (or what could be called one) with the 2.5 year old boy across the aisle. This boy was not conversant in the least, just full of crazy gestures and getting really close to my boy, nearly close enough to kiss. My boy, on the other hand, kept trying to engage the child in speech. "Little Boy, what are you doing?" "Little Boy, do you remember Santa came? I put a carrot for the reindeer".

It was very cute.

Driving home, he asked me if he could watch the Backyardigans downstairs when we got home and I said absolutely. So I set him up with juice in front of Tivo and I took a shower in the bathroom down there. And then I put his PJs on and we came back upstairs and we lay down in bed and read 2 books and said our prayers, and then I shut the light and said let's go to sleep. This was approx 7:35 pm... But we SLEPT. Lovely sweet sleep. Quiet. No one called us on the phone... And I woke at 1:30 a.m... My boy was upside down in bad curled up in the middle... inches away from rolling off. I righted him up, back onto his pillow, thanked Fate for waking me up just then, and then got up. Realized I had a wicked stomach ache. Made tea. Did two sketches. Signed onto Web to read blogs. One (Finslippy) had me laughing out loud. Which waked up my boy, who sat bolt upright and said he was going to have a party for the Boobahs. At MY house. Today. Very definitive. I decided to engage him in the fantasy and asked him questions. Are all the Boobahs going to come? What will we eat? He said Cake. And mushrooms. (Mushrooms? We've never eaten a mushroom in our lives!). Cake and mushrooms and cupcakes. And juice. That sounds good, he said. I said it sounded like an excellent plan.

Then I tried to get him to go back to sleep (after changing his diaper) by laying back down with him and letting him hold my hair. But he was having none of it. And that's when I realized it was 6 a.m. and not a bad time to get awakened. So I asked him if he wanted to watch a show and of course he said yes.

So now he is sitting beside me watching Bear in the Big Blue House.

God, I love this child. He can drive me to insanity.. but that is the nature of the toddler. Still, he is my greatest joy. And without him, my life would be shit.

2006-01-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

We reach another weekend. I am tired. Today I managed to do alot of work. I added several new charges, did 3 reports (one of them huge) for the VP of Marketing, and purged 35,398 accts with no financial activity. That last task, though easy, will have a major effect on the system and the reports we've been running. Now to keep it well-maintained... 35,000+ is an obscene amount to have to purge at one time. I'm almost embarassed there were so many.

Food today, embarrassing:

2 mini waffles
Egg McMuffin
Swiss Miss hot chocolate
2 mini bags of Welch's fruit punch fruit snacks
2 hotdogs in buns
small portion of french fries (made in the oven)
small portion of broccoli

Yuck.

2006-01-25T19:24:00.000-08:00

It's too bad I forgot about this blog, ha ha! It's 3.5 months since---I don't even remember creating it. Anyhoo, it is 2006!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I'm still wanting to make this a good year---want to go into my 4th decade with some semblance of peace and balance.

As far as sleep, whoa boy. I fluctuate--some days I go to bed at a fairly reasonable hour (say, 11), some days I pass out as soon as my son does and sleep like a log til 3 a.m., and then some days I actually stay up til 2 or 3 a.m...

To start off the new year, I scheduled all my health appointments. I had a physical already (last week). Gynecologist today. Next Wednesday is my dentist (long overdue). I need to schedule with the dermatologist (whom I saw in November) for a biopsy on the mole on my chest. And I need to schedule an appt with a neurologist, as my doc did a workup on me because of my knee pain and she said I showed a positive on the rheumatoid. A small positive, she says it could even be a false-positive. But better to be safe than sorry, same with the mole biopsy. So those two things hang over my head...

The other thing I have started to do is schedule lunch 'dates' with people at work. I have come to realize that I have isolated myself far, far too much all last year, once I started not going in 2 days a week and only 1. I thought that was my way of self-nurturing, giving myself space. But now I see that all I was really doing, after a few months of giving myself 'space' , was marginalizing myself. I had lunch today and I came away feeling fairly energized, for an introvert ;-) I think it's because you really do need to reach out sometimes and I had stopped doing that...

I want to start doing art. I stopped drawing and painting and creating so long ago, I'm almost fearful of starting up again. But I think, I know, I need it. Just for myself. Not for any purpose. I need to start sketching... And I signed up for a watercolor class. I don't know if I'll get in---they didn't cash my check yet so... If I get in, that will start next month.

Feb 2, we switch over from a 45 minute morning Gymboree (with parents) to an afternoon "independent" Gymboree class for an hour. Although I'm not allowed to leave the building, it will give me an hour to maybe read or write or even meditate, right? This will be kind of cool---enforced quiet time. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh yeh, I've also signed up for a 7 week "Marriage Fitness Tele-Seminar". I'm in what they call the 'lone ranger' track (as opposed to the 'duo' track)--gee, no surprise there!

2005-09-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am 39 this year. My birthday was August 26.

I am painfully conscious of the fact that this is the last year of my 3rd decade.... that FORTY is coming. As such, I decided that if I was EVER going to get my ass in gear, it should be THIS YEAR... so that I could go into my next decade with some semblance of order/balance/peace.

I purchased a book called "The Gift of a Year" by Mira Kirchenbaum. The premise: taking a whole year to do something 'for yourself'. It could be anything---a sabbatical, planning for and then finally taking the 'trip of a lifetime', or just plain focusing on self-nurture...

I chose the plain focusing on self-nurture and decided, as simple as it sounded, I was going to give myself the gift of a year of SLEEP. Going to bed at a reasonable hour for a whole year.

I started September 1. And as luck would have it, right around that time, my son (aged 2.5) is changing his sleep patterns and is not passing out before 9:30 the earliest... Which doesn't leave me very much free time before I'm choosing to hit the hay. This has become an issue for me. I need the down time, to read, to putter, maybe to take a shower. So it's now become a pain in the butt to go to bed early... because I want to read!

I think I need to re-think my gift of a year, ha ha! No point in doing something that adds tension instead of taking it away.